After spending all day in bed yesterday I knew that today I needed to do things which I had committed to. There are 2 reasons for this; firstly I hate letting people down as when I am unwell it makes the paranoia worse and also there are sadly people who I can’t always be honest with about how I feel. Somehow stigma around mental health is the hardest thing to deal with in family situations – often when others also have experienced mental health problems in the past.
I remember the 2nd time I was admitted to hospital. (The 1st time I was just 18 and was for only 1 night and my mum came to take me home the next morning – not a good move!) my family had therefore decided that private was best and I had been admitted (a week after the 1st admission) to the priory hospital locally to us – paid for by Bupa as I was on my Dad’s policy. My Dad had asked how long I was likely to be in hospital for and the psychiatrist had said about 3 weeks! After 3 weeks everyone expected me to be home and so the 1st misunderstanding surrounding mental health began! This was no broken leg!
So back to today! I wanted to get to Church today – just the place makes me feel so safe and also I knew that people would be there who knew I was unwell and that on the whole I wouldn’t be judged.
We then had a family meal organised – my brother had arranged it and it is always great to see him and his lovely wife. My mum was there and my husband and I and also my Nan who at nearly 90 is fairly oblivious to my mental health illness probably through choice and because I have been caught out before when deciding to be honest about how I feel and it had left me worse so I needed to keep quiet today.
I am now in bed as totally exhausted – no one really knows how much lunch can take out of me and how much an Oscar performance will cost me. I wish I could be myself but wouldn’t want to be judged or told to stop spoiling things for others when I am at my lowest. The thing that is hard is trying to explain to people how I can appear differently depending on whom I am with – this doesn’t mean I necessarily feel any different – more that people deal with my illness in quite different ways and I have had to learn to adapt to this.
Not sure if this makes sense but it does to me and I wish that it didn’t always have to be like this but maybe one day it will be different.