Today for the first time in goodness knows how long, I noticed a small shift in the black cloud of depression. I ignored it at first, mostly because I am fairly unwell still and my head seems to do nothing but play tricks with me. Over the last few weeks I sometimes haven’t even known what is real or what isn’t. There was no way that I could even try and believe that the reason it was slightly less difficult to get going this morning or that I didn’t break down in tears before leaving the house was because of a small positive change in mood.
I went to Church and it then became apparent that I felt a bit better from this time next week. It was the first time in weeks that I had been able to do a comparison like this and actually see a change for the better.
It was whilst at Church that a couple of people noticed that I had a bit of a sparkle back in my eyes and that my eyes seemed a bit lighter. I can’t count the number of people who have been automatically concerned over the last few weeks by how I have looked, an Oscar performance has been hard because the depression and exhausted seemed to show in my face.
So this evening I am certainly still extremely depressed but the desperation isn’t constant and I think I can believe it is real. However I am absolutely terrified of this just being a glimmer of light and then no more. At times like this it is vital for me to continue a day or even an hour at a time although the temptation is always to worry so much about what the future holds.
So tomorrow won’t be easy peasy and I might have periods of the day where the depression will hurt like never before but I can hang on to the fact that today I had a REAL glimmer of light.