After returning to work full time this week I knew that it would be a sort of test for me to see how I really was coping and feeling. I have been feeling much better for a week or so and after 2 months of pretty desperate times it has been a huge relief. The last couple of weeks I have had quite a bit of annual leave and also not been working full days so I knew this week was a different challenge of sorts.
Work has gone well this week and I have coped ok with quite a busy time and also managed to get the balance right so that I am taking things gently when I can. I feel back in control, able to make decisions and even have snippets of feeling positive about my own abilities! I can’t say that I haven’t once felt depressed or that the anxiety hasn’t at times felt like it was taking over but these feelings are no way near what they were.
Tonight though I experienced the dreaded feelings of worrying about getting ill again. They sort of came in a huge wave of emotion and made me realise just how fragile I am and also how frightened I am of feeling how I did just 2 weeks ago. It is hard for me to separate what is ‘normal’ emotion about a very sad situation and when I should be concerned that I might be getting ill. Before I know where I am I feel anxious, very upset and just want to hide away and stay in bed. Ok this didn’t last long but I am left with the worry that wasn’t there this morning and hoping it will be better when I wake in the morning.