The Blame Game

TW – talks about feelings of desperation, please be careful if you are likely to be triggered by this.

About a week or so ago after a great couple of weeks I started to feel the waves of anxiety again, the desperation was mounting as I fought the feelings and thoughts that I was becoming unwell again. I had been so well during the early part of January, work was great again, I have so many lovely family events coming up – things were looking good, I was enjoying life.
I keep going over and over in my head what had changed – what had I done wrong? All I knew is that I wasn’t depressed as such, just horribly frightened and anxious and what was scary was that I didn’t want to be around to find out if I was getting ill again.
I am aware of my feelings so much more than in the past – I am not sure whether this is always a positive thing or not! It means I can put my crisis plan in place much more quickly, start taking useful medication etc… However it also means I tend to worry more and maybe overthink my feelings and the anxiety has been quite a factor in this recent episode.
As the anxiety has increased I have also become quite low, I haven’t experienced the very painful depression that I did at the end of last year but I have been very low indeed.
I am also so angry, angry with the mental health system as what I need most is some consistent support so that I can talk to someone that knows me well without going into a massive long history. I am feeling so guilty for worrying family and friends that I bottle things up and if I had a mental health professional to talk things through to this would definitely help. Yes my GP is supportive but 10 minutes every 2-4 weeks and maybe 5 minutes on the phone in an emergency is not ideal. My GP is also reluctant to refer me to services as the system is so stretched and I have had such negative experiences in the past and my GP is doing what she can to keep me well.
A and E is also my crisis option however there is no way that this will be an option I would choose as just too frightening a prospect – it makes me so cross that the options available to me are in fact likely to make me worse.
I recently visited some amazing examples of mental health care within the trust where I am a governor and whilst being such a positive experience this also made me sad as I so badly need just a small amount of support like this.
I am also very angry with myself and blaming myself for feeling like this. More recently I have been able to be angry at the illness or even the system, but being angry and blaming myself seems like a huge step backwards.
I am angry that I have let myself look into the future too much and not concentrating just on the next day or even hour. And yes I am angry with myself for having destructive thoughts, ones which have frightened me so much.
I am trying this evening to concentrate more on the positives and take things a little more slowly and remember that I have felt like this before and changed – it is just so hard and scary especially when I am doing all I can to stay well.