The Blame Game

TW – talks about feelings of desperation, please be careful if you are likely to be triggered by this.

About a week or so ago after a great couple of weeks I started to feel the waves of anxiety again, the desperation was mounting as I fought the feelings and thoughts that I was becoming unwell again. I had been so well during the early part of January, work was great again, I have so many lovely family events coming up – things were looking good, I was enjoying life.
I keep going over and over in my head what had changed – what had I done wrong? All I knew is that I wasn’t depressed as such, just horribly frightened and anxious and what was scary was that I didn’t want to be around to find out if I was getting ill again.
I am aware of my feelings so much more than in the past – I am not sure whether this is always a positive thing or not! It means I can put my crisis plan in place much more quickly, start taking useful medication etc… However it also means I tend to worry more and maybe overthink my feelings and the anxiety has been quite a factor in this recent episode.
As the anxiety has increased I have also become quite low, I haven’t experienced the very painful depression that I did at the end of last year but I have been very low indeed.
I am also so angry, angry with the mental health system as what I need most is some consistent support so that I can talk to someone that knows me well without going into a massive long history. I am feeling so guilty for worrying family and friends that I bottle things up and if I had a mental health professional to talk things through to this would definitely help. Yes my GP is supportive but 10 minutes every 2-4 weeks and maybe 5 minutes on the phone in an emergency is not ideal. My GP is also reluctant to refer me to services as the system is so stretched and I have had such negative experiences in the past and my GP is doing what she can to keep me well.
A and E is also my crisis option however there is no way that this will be an option I would choose as just too frightening a prospect – it makes me so cross that the options available to me are in fact likely to make me worse.
I recently visited some amazing examples of mental health care within the trust where I am a governor and whilst being such a positive experience this also made me sad as I so badly need just a small amount of support like this.
I am also very angry with myself and blaming myself for feeling like this. More recently I have been able to be angry at the illness or even the system, but being angry and blaming myself seems like a huge step backwards.
I am angry that I have let myself look into the future too much and not concentrating just on the next day or even hour. And yes I am angry with myself for having destructive thoughts, ones which have frightened me so much.
I am trying this evening to concentrate more on the positives and take things a little more slowly and remember that I have felt like this before and changed – it is just so hard and scary especially when I am doing all I can to stay well.

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2 thoughts on “The Blame Game

  1. I can empathise wholeheartedly with this. I have no consistency in the care I receive, and what support I do get from the CMHT is often too little, too late – in response from my (very supportive) GP raising concerns, or a family member advocating on my behalf.

    I also blame myself a lot for how I’m feeling. To convince oneself that these feelings have been brought on by ourselves is so easy, especially when we are so vulnerable in both body and mind. You’ve identified that you’ve perhaps looked to far into the future, which I think is positive. The day at a time approach is something we have to learn anew with each relapse (otherwise, in this context at least, there would be no such thing as relapse, right?). I think having insight is a good thing, it allows us to remain rational and aware, meaning we can make our own decisions around what is helpful and what is not.

    I’m sorry you feel like this. I spend a lot of my own time playing the blame game so, as I said, I know how it feels.

    Best wishes x

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