On Monday afternoon I suddenly realised that I felt different. I was still depressed – the blackness and emptiness was still there but I wasn’t suicidal.
I was very wary – was my head playing yet more tricks or was I really not so desperate.
I didn’t say anything to anyone as would feel even more of a disappointment if it all wasn’t true but did go to bed with a little ray of hope and without planning how to end it all.
On Tuesday I woke slowly as I do after taking Zopiclone and was so relived when I still didn’t feel that horrible desperate feeling and utter hopelessness and despair.
I told a few people close to me and they had seen a small shift too which was really reassuring and those close to me could remind me not to do too much too soon.
As the days have gone on I have told more people that I am starting to turn the corner. I am still experiencing depression and anxiety but nothing like as deep or horrid as it was but it is so much progress.
The problem is the evenings are still tough because I get tired because I am trying too hard. Trying to make up for lost time and I think in my head that I have let people down and I am needing lots of people to keep me going along ok.
I keep experiencing very vivid thoughts especially to times last week and the week before and these are frightening me so much. When I get really tired I also get so upset because the way my illness is I am probably more than likely going to experience an episode like this again and as this time not receive the right support.
I am trying to be positive but the next 2 weeks or so are going to be bumpy!