About a week or so ago I started to feel that I was slightly high. I find that as I become more honest with myself and others about bipolar I actually also become more aware of my symptoms. This in some ways is very positive and means that things like my Wrap are easier to implement but also means that I am frightened very early on.
I first noticed the high at my book club. I am quite shy in many social situations that I don’t know and especially at places where I haven’t been before and as I am fairly new to the book club I haven’t been to some peoples houses so is all still a bit new. On the Thursday before last I felt on top of the world and it was like I was watching myself from a distance at the book club. I was talkative, joking, confident – at times I wanted to shout at myself and I think that the other people there probably thought I was a completely different person!
This was the first sign I took notice of and so immediately spoke to people I trusted to ensure that others knew. I also took some diazepam and luckily had a short break booked for the following 5 days where I was able to relax and really control what I did which seemed to stabilise my high for a while.
On Monday last week whilst still away I became very anxious and unable to concentrate much and my mind jumped from one thought to the next so quickly. I became more frightened and by the time I went back to work on Wednesday not only was I experiencing mild psychotic symptoms but realised I wasn’t able to keep up with my thoughts and also was very talkative. At times I gave also felt very isolated and desperate which has been so difficult to manage.
I think that I have controlled it as best I can by trying to avoid situations that might not be helpful for me at the moment, ensuring I get some sleep even if I have to take something to help and by taking diazepam.
I am so frightened that I am going to experience a very deep depression again like last November and so working as hard as I can to stop this from happening but I really don’t know if I can.
I am seeing my care coordinator on Thursday – my 2nd to last appointment before being discharged but I think I need to call her tomorrow.