Yesterday morning I made the difficult decision of calling my GP and putting my crisis care plan in place. I had gone to work and was taking things slowly and had taken a small dose of diazepam to try and hide the shakes and paranoia. I popped into a colleagues office ( she is a nurse) who took one look at me and knew that I was in crisis. It had come quickly and in a most peculiar way as I didn’t feel depressed in fact I didn’t feel much apart from horrendous anxiety, paranoia, hearing and seeing things that weren’t there and completely desperate. Despite this I didn’t really feel much – no senses, I wasn’t hot or cold, I wasn’t hungry and therefore was becoming physically ill as well.
My wonderful colleague let me use her phone to contact the GP who called back to confirm she had contacted the mental Heath system and I would hear from them tomorrow. In to mean time I am drugged up to my eye balls on diazepam but it means I can hardly move from my bed and whilst on my own all day this just made me worse and worse and my suicidal thoughts reach stage 2.
Plan for tomorrow is that my wonderful church Elder collects me to take me for coffee morning at church and hope I get an appointment and help for weekend. I can’t rely on any calls from the system so need to rely on my friends and family networks.
My biggest fear is being articulate in an assessment as can’t make sense of any of it. Not even sure that this is a depressive episode – more psychotic with suicidal symptoms. Just so confused. Also not seen psychiatrist for a year or maybe more.
Will the call come tomorrow or will I be left all weekend with no support in the system? Also running out of medications. All so very hard.