Not a question I often ask myself and probably not one I should be spending time thinking about when I am not in a great place. However my head is playing tricks with me, putting the worst case scenario at the forefront of my mind and maybe writing this will help in some way.
Tonight I am truly frustrated. I had been seeing a tiny bit of hope and glimmer of light in the darkness. Things were difficult but I had been getting slightly better nights, hadn’t had so many desperate thoughts and was able to enjoy more than I had done in a while. I wasn’t as hopelessly terrified as I had been either.
This seemed very short lived as my panic attacks have increased and I have taken what seems the compulsory 3 steps backwards after 2 going in the right direction.
Thoughts keep coming to the forefront of my mind where I find myself never getting any rest from the illness, not having the long periods of wellness that I have been used to and the possibility that maybe someday I will have to contend with continuous symptoms of some degree without any rest or wellness. This is absolutely terrifying me and whilst it is probably not productive to be thinking of this right now I have always tried to be realistic and so feel I need to think things through.
I worry that I will have to rely more on people and I find this hard as feel a burden as it is. I like to be able to help others and get concerned that this won’t be possible in the future.
I currently manage to work full time, I enjoy working and don’t want to have to give up and with that comes the prospect of having to take more medication – regular medication is something I don’t use due to the fact I want to continue to work. I have such poor tolerance to medication and bad side effects that it makes it impossible for me to work and take it. Therefore I use meds only when absolutely necessary and am lucky enough to have reasonable adjustments in place to manage this when it occurs.
I know that at the moment I am coping as well as I can do and I hope that the CMHT referral might give me an opportunity to discuss these fears. I am trying to hold on to the moment right now, keep as positive as I can and not look too far ahead – if only my head would try and remember that too!