It has all gone downhill so quickly … But there is no mental health support to be found

So less than a week ago I wrote on my way home from a weekend away and things were difficult but not impossible. Today I drifted well into the impossible phase of this bipolar episode – however I certainly kept fighting. I find it frightening how I can wake up in utter blackness – it takes even longer than normal to see through the morning fog (Even when I am well I am not a morning person!). This morning it took 2 hours before I finally got out of bed and made tentative steps to work and to what was a fairly active if not difficult day.

I have contacted my GP who is my care co-ordinator as I am discharged from the community mental health team. She has upped some of my medication which I can take over the weekend to try and stabilise me and she will see me on Wednesday. There is no other professional support avaliable.  To me it would make sense to act now before I reach crisis point – but even then A and E is probably my only option and to be honest that is enough to exacerbate a crisis.

I am though, in the midst of the despair feeling truly blessed tonight and thankful that family and friends are providing me with so much support and love. This makes me think about those without a support network such as mine, those that are living alone with the pain of mental illness and those that like me have limited professional support but without the friends and family I am so lucky to have. 

Tonight I am angry – angry with bipolar, angry with myself as depression plays with my mind and so of course this must be my fault! But also angry with the system, the system that seems non-existent to so many, that doesn’t have parity of esteem with physical health care and the system that waits until a crisis before acting and stepping up to help. Even then it has severe limitations.  

All I can hope is that this particular episode of bipolar isn’t a long one and that I remember to take life in small chunks until I feel stronger again. 


5 thoughts on “It has all gone downhill so quickly … But there is no mental health support to be found

  1. I understand exactly how you feel. It’s so frustrating and unfair. Is this karma from another life??

    We all experience set backs that’s for sure. When I’m having these feelings I try to remember that everyone has their cross to bear. Everyone runs into conflict at some point and they have their issues. We aren’t alone.

    I have absolutely no support system other than my Dr who I see monthly. My family is all out of state. I’ve only been here a few years and the people I have met are the worst!! I’ve pretty much had to scream at them to get them to leave me alone! The whole family was connected to my internet and it was slowing me down so I just blocked them all. I get really tired of being used. I realize that a big part of the problem is my lack of boundaries. I need to set my boundaries and enforce them. I need to be assertive instead of the pushover that I am. It shouldn’t have gotten to the point that I am screaming at these people so they leave me alone. It’s either that or don’t answer my door at all!

    Anyway I understand what your going through. Try to remember it’s a passing thing 🙂

  2. I’ve read your blog for a little while now and I must first say thank you, you are very brave in sharing what can be very difficult and very personal experiences. As a carer of someone who shares some similar aspects of your illness I value the insight that you provide and along with a few other brave souls who do their own blogs on aspects of their Mental Health I have a sort of handle on how this awful disease can cause so much misery.
    Having dealt with local Mental Health services for over 20 years, I can relate to both your anger and frustration at the seeming paucity of service and the lack of parity between Mental & Physical Health, hopefully change though exceedingly slow may offer some hope. I’ve spent the last 15 years or so with various Carers groups campaigning for better provision. Our own Mental Health Team also seem to have gone ‘Missing in Action’ recently so it’s time to start growling and being a bit of a pain, sad but it seems to be part of a Carers job these days.
    Best Wishes and I hope remission/stability/being well, call it what you will, comes back very soon,


    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and for your support. It is a really difficult illness to manage and so many people really don’t have a clue how hard it is to get the help we need. I am fortunate to have a good GP who gets mental health but I know I am one of the lucky ones. The person you care for is lucky to have you that’s for sure!
      Kind regards

  3. Hi. I’ve just found your blog and appreciate you writing even when life is hard. I’m teetering on the brink of a fall – so hard to know that and yet still watch it coming closer without any real hope of changing it’s direction. Mostly I just wanted to say I heard you…I “saw” you and you matter and I hope there are rays of light that lead you back to stable ground.

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