On Monday I had my 1st appointment in the community since being referred again. I had had an assessment on 14th November but had not seen any other mental health professional at all during the time I was unwell.
When I went on Monday I had mixed thoughts about going. In some ways I felt I needed to see someone to talk things through with as it isn’t always easy to talk to those closest to me about how I really feel. The other part of me felt that I had made so much progress that I shouldn’t take the appointment – that I somehow wasn’t entitled to one. This was probably the depression talking but it was having an impact on my decision to go.
I did go in the end and as before at my assessment the mental health worker that I saw was excellent. She listened and I felt she really understood me as an individual – she related to my experience of bipolar and not one from a book or google!
I was able to be completely honest with her without worrying about her reaction and speaking to someone who is not emotionally attached to you can mean that you don’t hold back to protect anyone.
The problem is that although at the time I found it helpful to talk and share my feelings I actually struggled afterwards. I left there feeling abandoned and alone and actually quite distressed. I had stirred up thoughts and feelings that I hadn’t discussed with people in a long while.
My next appointment is on 22nd January and I am now wondering whether I should in fact go or carry on coping how I have been. I am not really sure whether I make sense or whether this is something that others experience but I feel that having sporadic and infrequent appointments can be detrimental to me. On the other hand I want to ensure I get some care but it is so hard to strike the balance.