After 1 day back at work I thought I would reflect on the time I had off and what worked and what was harder. Christmas for me doesn’t hold the best of memories but over the last few years with the help of a wonderful husband, family and friends I have started to make new memories to counteract the not so good ones from my past. These don’t need to be massive things and often it is the little things I treasure. For example going to Church on Christmas morning with my Mum and husband is just lovely. Sharing the wonder of the Christmas story with people you love is a wonderful way to start the day for me. Spending Christmas Eve with my brother, sister in law and her family is something else that made my Christmas. They have supported me so much over the years and it is wonderful to have quality time with them all. Carol services have also been so lovely and helped me to feel my faith again after a tough few months.
Since Christmas we have been on ‘operation clear out’! If I hadn’t gone back to work today I think my husband was concerned I would tidy him away or create a spreadsheet or download an app for the washing! Seriously though having time to sort through things and enjoy breaks for tea and mince pies has helped to continue the holiday feel and ensure I do something’s enjoyable each day.
I love my job but as I got closer to having to return today my anxiety began to rise. I worry that I will forget things, not be able to cope, be rubbish at my job etc… This then exacerbates the anxiety and within an hour I can be close to a panic attack and because I am still recovering I get more worried about getting really ill again. It was terrifying last night and at 2.30am I was still awake and wondering how on earth I would get to work today. After sleeping for 5 hours I went in and of course I managed perfectly well. It is very quiet and so I got lots done as well as using my lunch hour to clear the fridge and microwave – more new year jobs!
Tomorrow it will be quiet again and so I am thankful that I went back today as leaving it till Monday would have caused me greater anxiety especially over the weekend and then it would of been harder to adjust. I was tempted to take extra holiday but relieved I didn’t and thankful that I listened to my logical mind. I do know myself well and need to remember to trust my instincts more. I am also grateful to the friends who have encouraged me especially over the last 2 days when I was concerned I was falling apart again.
As I have said before taking Christmas and any potentially emotional, difficult or tiring time at my pace is the best way for me.