So Christmas is over for another year!
As I was so unwell during the month or so before Christmas I was very worried about how I would cope and whether I could even enjoy myself and build on my positive Christmas memories that I had been doing so well to create over the last 5 or so years.
As a Christian I also wanted to be able to participate in the Church Christmas programme which included singing and helping to lead the children’s Christmas Eve service which I enjoy so much but that can be so hard when I am unwell.
I also had the added difficulty of experiencing awful anxiety and panic in shops and other crowded places which means shopping and some social occasions also were out of the question.
So with a few very supportive family members and close friends and the trusty internet I prepared for Christmas practically and with the prayers, support and love of those at the Church I managed to participate fully in the Advent and Christmas services and with my amazing family I also enjoyed and have treasured memories of a lovely Christmas Day.
Yet this has also come at some cost. I have written before about an Oscar winning performance and how in some ways it is massively important for me to keep going with things, put on a brave face and to some people pretend all is well but on the other hand I have to get the balance right as the consequences can be hard to cope with if I don’t.
On Christmas Day evening about 10pm I felt this wave of panic and exhaustion. I put it down to overindulging and tiredness and I had such a lovely day that it didn’t spoil it in anyway. It did though mean I was worried and woke up a couple of times that night in a panic and when I woke on Boxing Day I wouldn’t of been able to pretend to anyone. I was depressed and every part of me felt like it weighed 20 stone. I was so relieved that I had made no plans as getting out of bed took hours and leaving the house was a no go area. I couldn’t even get dressed but I battled to do a few jobs, setup my new laptop and did cook a meal but everything took twice as long as normal but I tried to convince myself that exhaustion can have this effect.
Yesterday was not a lot better although I achieved jobs in the house but I couldn’t step outside and realised I had not got dressed since Christmas Day evening. The thought of seeing anyone apart from my husband or my mum was frightening.
This morning I knew I had to break the cycle for my own peace of mind and so I got up and went to Church where once again felt so pleased that I had done this and fought the illness in my own small way. Yes I sometimes smiled when I really wanted to cry but it gave me confidence that I thought I had lost. I even managed a trip to little Waitrose and cups of tea at Mum’s & a close friends.
I some ways the Oscar performance both before Christmas, Christmas Day itself and today meant that I came down with a crash but it also gave me a boost when I really needed it and that will probably help in the long run. I now have a week before I return to work and I hope the small positive steps continue and the depression lifts for longer each day.