I have not posted or even tweeted much for a while as I have been very busy with work but also dealing with increased anxiety. This is mostly because work is very stressful and I am struggling with the massive increase in pressure and uncertainty which every working day seems to bring.
I am experiencing physical symptoms like a racing heart beat, palpitations and the anxiety comes in great waves which can also catch me off guard. These symptoms along with worry and panic don’t make for very comfortable nights or for that matter days.
I am also anxious because I have been well for so long (since March/April) and this period of ‘wobblyness’ comes at what is always a difficult time of year for me. October and Autumn/Winter in general has many painful memories and often, although not always, the most likely time for a relapse. I think being scared of relapsing is one of the biggest factors in my anxiety and one that is hard to rationalise but talking about it certainly helps.
As ever I have put in place my WRAP and whilst I certainly don’t need to step into full blown crisis mode (far from it) I can be proud that I now have the coping strategies to acknowledge and deal with potential difficulties earlier than ever before.
I also have lots to look forward, starting with a holiday in France in a weeks time, a short break in November and a lovely family Christmas. Small steps are definitely in order!
Author: katcopley
A very interesting visit in my role as an NHS Trust Governor
As you maybe aware I am a governor for the local NHS Trust which provides the mental health services over 3 local boroughs. It is the NHS Trust for mental health services that I have received although at present I am not under them. I asked to visit all 3 of the trusts inpatient acute mental health units both for working age adults and for older people. This was actually quite a challenge considering that I have myself received treatment at one if them many times before.
I am pleased to say that I was on the whole very impressed and actually think that there have been great improvements since I was last an inpatient especially around care and compassion, ward rounds, communication and activities on the ward. There are obviously many challenges regarding bed management, shortage of beds, staffing, consistency of staff, bank staff, agency staff etc …but I was struck by the dedication of the staff that I met.
It seems to me that once someone gets into hospital things are in general improving but the biggest challenges and areas of concern locally to me lie within crisis care, accessing services for the first time or after a break, liaison in accident and emergency departments and gp’s, support on discharge etc… Whilst it is positive that patients spend less time in hospital I am concerned that they are discharged too quickly because of a lack of beds and that community services are not meeting their needs effectively.
I am therefore committed to keep crisis care at the top of my agenda as a governor and especially the liaison service in accident and emergency as I have experienced such poor examples of care here within the last year and it desperately needs a rethink.
I feel privileged to be a governor and to be able to visit the wards and talk with staff and patients about this very challenging and important area of care.
Mental illness can affect anyone, anywhere, at any time …
I am sure that many people have been moved to write a blog about the very sad news of the death of Robin Williams as writing things down can definitely help people and it certainly helps me.
From a personal view point as someone who lost a very close friend to suicide less than 2 years ago it brought back many painful memories. I also know what it is like to be suicidal and have tried to take my own life during some very dark moments. The pain of depression is something I struggle to put into words but it is an illness and needs to be recognised as one much more than it is at present.
One thing though that has struck me about today’s news is the amount of people who have commented on what Robin had to be depressed about, or what a shame that he didn’t seek help earlier etc…
The truth and sad reality is that it doesn’t matter who you are, how much money you have, how famous you are, how wonderful your life seems to others – depression and other mental illness can affect anyone at anytime in their life. It might be a long hard struggle over many years, an episode as a child or young person and then nothing or it can hit someone later in life.
The other important thing to remember is that high profile stories like today’s tragic news make headlines but many people lose their lives to mental illness everyday and with on going cuts it mental health services this hasn’t got much hope of improving.
Rest in Peace Robin Williams and all those who have lost their lives from mental illness.
My latest campaign – why do Mental Health consultants change diagnosis without telling the patient?
Just to clarify this obviously doesn’t apply to all psychiatrists as I know there are some excellent patient focused professionals out there but this has happened to me twice and I am hearing more and more stories where this is occurring.
In my experience I have only found out about the change in diagnosis by receiving a copy of a letter which was being sent to my GP. Each time I have battled to get the diagnosis reversed and been successful but I shouldn’t have to do this and neither should anyone else.
I realise that sometimes patients may be distressed and therefore in my opinion it is even more important to ensure this sort of subject matter is communicated at the right time and if necessary while the patient has appropriate support.
The most common occurrence of this seems to be in patients who have a bipolar diagnosis and then suddenly with no warning they find themselves with a personality disorder diagnosis. In some cases this might be correct but in quite a few this isn’t and I have felt in the past that I was given a new diagnosis as an excuse for being discharged from the system.
As I said I was able to get my diagnosis changed back but others aren’t so lucky and therefore people can be left without vital treatment and support during really difficult episodes.
The other alarming factor in this is that people who are bipolar and able to argue their case or stand up for themselves are seen to be obstructive and unnecessarily angry and this can be what a new diagnosis is primarily based on. This in my opinion is very short sighted and in some cases dangerous.
I would like to hear from people who have experienced this and also from professionals so that awareness of this can be raised.
Lets fight to ensure high levels of patient communication within mental health.
Loving the sun but not the short sleeves and inevitable questions
So far the summer of 2014 has been kind weather wise. Long hot days and an opportunity to wear some of those clothes that might not venture out of the wardrobe for 48 weeks of the year! I love the sun, it does help my mood and I also love wearing summer clothes but I dread the questions and stares about my self harm scars. I started self harming when I was only 14 & only stopped a year or so ago and I have many scars on my arms, legs and even my stomach. My legs are actually not that noticeable but my arms are and so I often wear long sleeved tops in certain situations when it is really too hot to do so. If I do wear short sleeves I am constantly worrying about answering difficult questions, offending people or triggering others.
I run a Brownie pack and never wear short sleeves and often boil as a consequence but children are inquisitive and I have had enough of difficult questions.
Over the past few years I have become ‘braver’ but at work I always wear a cardigan or a jacket and most of the time this is because I don’t want others to feel uncomfortable but probably I am embarrassed even though I know this is part of who I am. Maybe a question would get a conversation going and help someone else in the future?
I suppose with time the scars will fade more and I will become more comfortable and hopefully there will be summers in the future that won’t be so difficult.
Birthdays – from dreading them to enjoying them! #recovery
On Thursday it was my Birthday, a day that in the past would have maybe been horrendous or I would of gone through the whole day pretending to enjoy whatever I was doing when inside I was willing everything to end.
I sometimes wonder what has changed, a birthday even 5 years ago was not that enjoyable.
I suppose the main thing is that when I was much younger I really had little control over my birthday. Family events were difficult for many reasons and I craved so much the ‘normal family’ celebration that I was always disappointed or in some cases completely traumatised by the days events. My birthday always fell in the school holidays and when I was younger I often wished it didn’t.
Going out for a meal for my birthday was also something I didn’t enjoy, I had (and possibly still do have) an ambivalent relationship with food and because of our family setup I would have more than one intense meal out which I rarely could fully enjoy.
Over the last few years I have been able to look back and recollect some good birthdays from my childhood/teenage years such as a party in my garden for probably my 5th birthday, celebrating turning 10 on Brownie Pack Holiday & turning 17 whilst on holiday with the family during a stable period. All of these have taken time to remember as often the bad times crowd the good ones.
During my adult life illness has often plagued my birthday – if I have been unwell I have just wanted to shut myself away or often made myself 10 times worse by pretending that everything was perfect. If I have been ok I used to spend the lead up to my birthday worrying I would get ill and therefore spoiling it not for me but for those around me who go to so much effort.
So what is different now – if I am unwell I can often eventually say I am and I am under no pressure to do anything I don’t feel up to doing. Yes some people will be disappointed and that does throw up some guilt but on the whole I feel so much more able to be in control of what I want and need. I also feel that in the past I thought I didn’t deserve a birthday, I certainly hated receiving cards or gifts of any kind as felt so unworthy. I still find this difficult but I can enjoy it and this is more evidence of how far I have come.
Birthdays are also only 1 day, a day that could happen on any day and are often a chance to catch up with people. Trying to relax is something I find hard but I am starting to do this and last Thursday was definitely a birthday to cherish!
#Stigma – not an easy thing to combat with those who love you most
After a wonderful weekend spending time with my amazing family I thought I would share some experiences of mental health stigma that I faced over the weekend.
I also have tonight been able to justify to myself as to why I don’t talk about my mental health condition with certain people – basically they don’t get it, may never get it & that is sad but I can’t spend anymore time worrying about it.
Does this sound defeatist? Maybe it is, maybe I should do everything I can to explain but I also have my mental health to think about and staying well has to be my priority.
Over the weekend I have been informed about someone’s bipolar relative (not me) and they couldn’t find anything much positive to say about them. This always surprises me as in the past I was always open about my bipolar but it was only when I got the impression I was a burden, that people were fed up with me that I stopped telling people when I was in hospital or when I experienced symptoms. I then became very selective about who I told. I imagine that they naively think that because I don’t talk about it I therefore don’t have the condition anymore.
The other conversation that I had was about a friend of a relative who lives next door to someone with a mental health problem, I couldn’t quite believe what I was hearing as the generalisations were appalling and whilst I did my best to challenge the stigma it was a fruitless battle.
I did thought talk about my post as a governor of a mostly mental health NHS trust & I was pleased I did this and where possible I challenged the stigma I heard.
This weekend however wonderful made me realise what a long way there is still to go.
Dealing with stress at work, my survival guide!
As some of you may know I am dealing with huge increased stress at work at the moment and obviously with a diagnosis of bipolar I am scared I am getting ill or may get ill in the future. I am though lucky that at the moment I am very well and so I have been able to put some strategies in place to safeguard myself and to also go someway to stop being so frightened.
One of the most important things I have done is to recognise the symptoms of stress and deal with these as they occur. I have felt my anxiety rise which is probably the most frightening symptom as I often experience horrendous anxiety when I am ill. I have used the same coping strategies as I do for any anxiety I experience and given myself praise for coping with the anxiety (something I wouldn’t do if I was ill)!
I have recognised that stress is serious and just because it isn’t a bipolar episode I still need to take care of myself and recognise the symptoms. I have kept in constant contact with my doctor and asked friends and family for their reassurance, advice and support.
I have also drawn on support at work. Whilst certain people or situations have caused stress I also know that the organisation have procedures and policies to assist where necessary. I have done everything I can to make the time at work easier and drawn on HR support, team support and support of my close colleagues where I can.
I have used my WRAP which really comes into its own in times like this and it is even more important to take care of oneself and the mundane eating, sleeping etc are vital. Last week I wasn’t sleeping that well because it was hot and so I took something to help me sleep after just a couple of days as I knew and recognised that sleep was even more important during this period of stress.
Last weekend has also given me huge confidence and something to remember during the week that has followed. I took 16 Brownies to the Zoo, helped lead a Church parade and Messy Church and I felt fantastic! If I was ill the whole weekend would of been a massive struggle and at difficult times during this week I have remembered this. I have found that because I have a diagnosis of bipolar certain people have said I must be experiencing a bipolar episode when I have raised concerns over the stress I am under. When this has happened this week I have been able to remember last weekend and even tell people what I did and how I felt which has given me and others the confidence that I am not experiencing bipolar symptoms.
It hasn’t been easy and I am exhausted, emotional and sometimes physically unwell but I am taking a day at a time, doing all I can to take care of myself and can draw strength from the last few weeks.
Why I feel so strongly about the @newsshopper article this week..
This may be a triggering post, please take care when reading:
I have probably over tweeted about this but it is an example of an issue that is very close to my heart. Whilst I understand that journalists have the right to report on stories such as the story that they reported on yesterday I was appalled that they decided to show a photograph of the woman at the top of the building. For those of you who are not aware a lady was suicidal and was thankfully talked down from the top of our local shopping centre roof yesterday. However someone photographed this and the local paper published it on their website and via twitter. The Samaritans have issued clear guidelines on reporting suicide in the media and by publishing the photo along with the article the newspaper was clearly ignoring these.
This photo is not only distressing for the lady concerned and may add to her mental distress but it actually could be very triggering to others in a similar situation and there is no need to show a vulnerable person in this distress in order to highlight a story.
When I was about 19 I came very close to being that lady on top of the building in our local multi story car park and so this really resonated with me yesterday. I know that if it hadn’t been for a text at the right time from a guardian angel I might of got further and I also know that if someone had photographed me it would of haunted me for years to come and definitely had a massive negative impact on me as well.
Not only is the photograph an issue but the website is also allowing people to comment on the article. This is filled with messages of support and kindness but sadly also with those comments from people who don’t understand mental illness and who are judging. The stigma surrounding mental illness is sadly high and the comments are indeed showing this.
I am asking for the photograph to be removed from the article and the ability to comment to be disabled and I hope that the editor reads this blog and maybe understand the impact this photo could have.
Part of response from @Newsshopper regarding inappropiate picture
I am afraid that we do not remove or amend stories purely on the basis that a reader has requested us to do so.
As with all editorial decisions, a great deal of discussion and consideration goes into deciding which details we should include and omit from our articles.
Based on the fact the lady in question could not be identified in the photo and that the story had a positive conclusion, we felt the decision to include a photo was the right one.
The image helps paint a picture of an event which caused a huge amount of interest, inconvenience and indeed concern for thousands of readers in the local area. If we did not cover such an event in a such a comprehensive manner we would be failing in our role as journalists.
With regards to your reference to the Samaritans’ code of conduct for journalists, editor Andrew Parkes has been in ongoing discussions with the charity about this code.
My Journey through the world of Mental Health 