Well that was January! 

20 days ago I blogged about how January had started very well. The depression had lifted quickly and although I was walking on eggshells I was coping very well. Recently I had thought that my bipolar episodes were becoming much more seasonal but being this well in January has made me realise that doing all I can all year to stay well is vital as the bipolar doesn’t necessarily have a pattern to it.  January continued in this positive way!

Today as January became February I saw my GP and we reviewed my care and crisis plan as I  always do after a bad episode. For me it is important to look at what helps me, what doesn’t help, what can exacerbate my anxiety and after this episode it was important to document the support I had received from mental health services. This time the treatment was excellent and in case I am unable to communicate this in the future it is vital that this is documented somewhere.  For me having a long term mental illness is just like a physical illness and the monitoring of my condition is so important.

Even though I am not scheduled to see my GP until after Easter I know exactly what I need to do if things become difficult in anyway.

So January was great! On Saturday night I went out in London and travelled on half a dozen tubes, plus a London bus and it was such a good night. My anxiety was minimal and I enjoyed the whole evening.  There wasn’t one point that I felt I wasn’t up to it or that the bipolar was preventing me from enjoying myself to the full.  January ended with a birthday party to celebrate my niece’s 1st Birthday which is this week and it was a perfect end to a great month.

I am so thankful for this period of wellness and I am committed to do everything I can to stay as well as I can but always remembering as with many illnesses that it isn’t often in my control and bipolar can affect me when I least expect it and sometimes with no trigger. Remembering this is not my fault is something I will try and remember as even being as well as I do today that isn’t always an easy concept for me.

Let’s hope that February is just as good! 

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A positive January … for once

January has historically been a very difficult month for me.  I know that I am not the only person who finds January hard – the dark mornings and evenings, the cold weather, the quiet after the Christmas rush and often having less money can be just a few factors that can contribute to increased anxiety, negative thinking and episodes of depression and other mental illness. 

January became all the more difficult for me when my Grandfather passed away five years ago on the 14th January. He had a huge positive influence in my life, he acted as a father figure, guide, confidant and friend and I still miss him terribly. 

This year for the first time in what seems like years I feel pretty together and relatively well in January.  After what seemed like an impossible 2 months the depression has lifted quite quickly and I feel stable and the anxiety that had seemed like it would never go has improved also.

I am doing everything I can to stay as well as I can, I am probably being over cautious and it does feel at times like I am walking on eggshells. I am avoiding triggers wherever possible – just last week I decided not to attend a funeral in case it acted as a trigger.  I am working very hard at work but having a proper break every day and eating well.  I am enforcing some rest into everyday – today this is having a bath whilst listening to the radio. All this positivity isn’t always easy but I am doing my best and hoping that it is enough to keep another episode at bay. 

I am enjoying things again, singing, meeting friends, planning travels, these are just some examples and yes being back in a routine helps with all these things.  I am so grateful for the support I have had whilst unwell but also for the support I have now, at this moment, when I need reminding that having the odd wobble doesn’t mean the start of a downhill spiral and I need a gentle nudge in the right direction to take some time out!

I am also eternally grateful for the support of my Grandpa, who helped me enormously during some of the most difficult times of my life. Rest in Peace, love always. 

Getting back into a routine is good news!

Christmas is over for another year and even though I was pretty unwell for a lot of November and most of December and still not 100% now, I managed to enjoy quite a bit of Christmas. 

I have had 2 weeks off work and don’t go back until Tuesday but I am actually really pleased to be getting back into a routine.  However good a break is and yes, after the last couple of months I have had I certainly needed one, I am now though craving a routine.

Whilst quite a few of my friends are cursing setting the alarm after two weeks of lie ins – I am looking forward to returning to work and the structure that it brings me most of the time. 

Over the last couple of weeks I have been going to bed later and getting up later – my sleep hasn’t been too bad but over the last couple of evenings I have become very depressed with no warning at all and then had to ensure that I got on with lots of jobs for Brownies or Church as a distraction to try and keep the depression at bay.  This was a sure sign I was ready for work again! It will do me good to get a better bed time routine in place as I don’t want the depression to slowly creep back at other times of the day as well and sleep is crucial to this.

Eating is also something that needs to be in a routine for me! Christmas food is lovely, however it makes me feel a bit bloated and then I give myself a hard time that I am putting on weight which doesn’t do my self confidence any good either. 

I haven’t worked full time hours since November as I had a bad bipolar episode and so of course I am a bit anxious about going back but I am pretty sure that I am well enough to cope and also seeing my GP tomorrow. I have been under the care of the community mental health team for the past month and it pleases me to say that they have been very supportive. They have for the first time in years listened to what I needed, not over complicated the care they gave me (which was my request) and worked with me to get to the position of going back under the care of my GP from tomorrow.  I feel in control of the situation and that is often half the battle.

So as I pack away the Christmas decorations for another year and stop tidying cupboards for the sake of tidying it will be with a smile that I go back to work!

I am a great believer in creating good memories for the future and in the last two weeks I have certainly done that! 

It is the small things that often matter …

So today was a huge first in I don’t know how many years. Yesterday afternoon I received a call from the community mental health team. The call was an acknowledgment of the referral by my GP only 36 hours before, so to say I was stunned and impressed was an understatement. 

The call yesterday was fairly brief but had a few simple aims, firstly to establish my safety, secondly to ensure I had contact numbers of support if I needed them and lastly to arrange a time to call me today for a telephone assessment.  

Today the same person (note the consistency) called to assess me.  This followed a fairly typical mental health assessment format but was so different to ones I have experienced before. It was carried out with understanding, empathy, support and also helped on a practical level as well. I have to admit I was very sceptical but then who would blame me after the last few years of one bad experience followed by yet more bad experiences. I was able to be completely honest with the person on the phone, I was able to tell them my deepest fears and even though they felt they hadn’t done much at all I was eternally grateful for this support at what seems an impossible time.  

The other thing that made such a difference was the honesty of the person I was speaking to.  Never has a mental health professional said to me: ‘I will try and call you back today after I speak to the doctor, but if I don’t it may be due to an emergency or not being able to speak to the doctor but I will call on Monday’.  A typical scenario is that they say they will call back and don’t and then deny ever saying that! 

Well he did call back (yes the same person)! He checked again I had all the numbers I needed and understood my fear of going to accident and emergency and seemed to join me in a determination to try and stop this from happening. He had spoken to the doctor and has some ideas and for the first time in years I am even willing to discuss a possible new medication. 

He is calling me on Monday and we are reassessing the situation then.  In the meantime I am so grateful for what he has done over the last couple of days to help shine a bit of light and hope in a rather bleak situation. It is very rare for the professionals to be the bearers of light and hope – this is often only generated by my amazing family and friends! 

Not only is this a first in so many years during a crisis situation but also I was properly listened to by a professional. I wasn’t judged because I work or because I could articulate what was happening to me. My distressing symptoms were acknowledged and not once was any aspect of my illness belittled. It will obviously take a while to gain my full trust, after so many years I have learnt to protect myself and to be cautious but feeling like I do, this support is hugely significant. 

So yes the small things do matter, I ensured that I told the mental health worker exactly that today. Sometimes things can get over complicated and the wrong help given as a result but today I received what some would consider a small amount of support but it made the world of difference. 

It has all gone downhill so quickly … But there is no mental health support to be found

So less than a week ago I wrote on my way home from a weekend away and things were difficult but not impossible. Today I drifted well into the impossible phase of this bipolar episode – however I certainly kept fighting. I find it frightening how I can wake up in utter blackness – it takes even longer than normal to see through the morning fog (Even when I am well I am not a morning person!). This morning it took 2 hours before I finally got out of bed and made tentative steps to work and to what was a fairly active if not difficult day.

I have contacted my GP who is my care co-ordinator as I am discharged from the community mental health team. She has upped some of my medication which I can take over the weekend to try and stabilise me and she will see me on Wednesday. There is no other professional support avaliable.  To me it would make sense to act now before I reach crisis point – but even then A and E is probably my only option and to be honest that is enough to exacerbate a crisis.

I am though, in the midst of the despair feeling truly blessed tonight and thankful that family and friends are providing me with so much support and love. This makes me think about those without a support network such as mine, those that are living alone with the pain of mental illness and those that like me have limited professional support but without the friends and family I am so lucky to have. 

Tonight I am angry – angry with bipolar, angry with myself as depression plays with my mind and so of course this must be my fault! But also angry with the system, the system that seems non-existent to so many, that doesn’t have parity of esteem with physical health care and the system that waits until a crisis before acting and stepping up to help. Even then it has severe limitations.  

All I can hope is that this particular episode of bipolar isn’t a long one and that I remember to take life in small chunks until I feel stronger again. 

Does getting away for a bit help?

I am writing this blog on the train coming home from a lovely quiet weekend in Harrogate with my husband. We have both been very busy lately and last weekend we had a family wedding to attend which was lovely but very tiring. It was also my husbands birthday this weekend and we often go away around this time of year before the Christmas busyness sets in. 

Over the last few weeks I haven’t been feeling that well. My anxiety and paranoia have steadily increased and become more and more disruptive and I have also experienced bouts of depression that aren’t constant (and are actually relatively quick) but when they suddenly occur they are terribly painful and often come with a wave of emotion that I struggle to control. 

As the train gets closer to London with the inevitable ‘back to a routine and normality’ that it brings, I am anxious, as I worry that whilst I had the same head with the same illness with me this weekend that it might seem all the more difficult at home. 

During dark times I often have the urge to ‘run away’. When I was younger I used to actually do that (probably causing untold stress to those that love me) but I was convinced that I could run from the depression and the anxiety that was building up inside me. It did though help a bit and even now when I get away on mostly pre-planned trips it does give me some breathing space and a chance to gather my thoughts before trying to fight this illness in the midst of work and ‘normal’ life. 

So as I return to work tomorrow I will do so after 48 hours of ‘getting away’. It hasn’t been always easy this weekend as reading and relaxing in general are pretty difficult in my current state of mind but I have been able to enjoy parts of the weekend and it is those things I need to hang on to through the despair of depression. 

What would help? What can we do?

Sadly over the past week I have become hugely anxious and paranoid and this is really starting to affect me a lot and is very debilitating. 

I have been so well for a long time and whilst I know it was unlikely to last for ever I am terrified that this anxiety might lead to an episode of depression and/or hypomania. 

I have already been to the doctors and started to put good support in place which has led to a medication increase which is helping with some of the symptoms.

I have also had so many offers of support and help and I am so grateful for these but I sometimes worry that I can’t always tell people what would be helpful or if there is something specific they can do. Sometimes the very simple things like a text or a chat over a cup of tea are enormously helpful and it is those spontaneous gestures that seem to have the greatest effect for me in combating the paranoia and very low self esteem.  I worry that people will think I am mucking people about or being a bit difficult when I don’t know what might help or what someone could do for me. 

In fact at this precise moment I am actually unsure what I really need or what could help as I am either still in a bit of denial that I feel unwell or just fighting all the thoughts going round my head so much that nothing makes much sense.

So to all those amazing people that try daily to help me and countless others with a mental illness – thank you. Please stick with us and apologies that sometimes I might appear vague about what would help the most, I am hugely grateful and just by being there you are helping so much.