Yesterday morning I made the difficult decision of calling my GP and putting my crisis care plan in place. I had gone to work and was taking things slowly and had taken a small dose of diazepam to try and hide the shakes and paranoia. I popped into a colleagues office ( she is a nurse) who took one look at me and knew that I was in crisis. It had come quickly and in a most peculiar way as I didn’t feel depressed in fact I didn’t feel much apart from horrendous anxiety, paranoia, hearing and seeing things that weren’t there and completely desperate. Despite this I didn’t really feel much – no senses, I wasn’t hot or cold, I wasn’t hungry and therefore was becoming physically ill as well.
My wonderful colleague let me use her phone to contact the GP who called back to confirm she had contacted the mental Heath system and I would hear from them tomorrow. In to mean time I am drugged up to my eye balls on diazepam but it means I can hardly move from my bed and whilst on my own all day this just made me worse and worse and my suicidal thoughts reach stage 2.
Plan for tomorrow is that my wonderful church Elder collects me to take me for coffee morning at church and hope I get an appointment and help for weekend. I can’t rely on any calls from the system so need to rely on my friends and family networks.
My biggest fear is being articulate in an assessment as can’t make sense of any of it. Not even sure that this is a depressive episode – more psychotic with suicidal symptoms. Just so confused. Also not seen psychiatrist for a year or maybe more.
Will the call come tomorrow or will I be left all weekend with no support in the system? Also running out of medications. All so very hard.
bipolar
In Limbo wondering what my mood might do next!
This time last week I was hypomanic in fact every day last week I could quite easily have worked another full day, my mind was racing and in certain social situations I had increased confidence. This also had negative symptoms as well and for the last 2 weeks the hypomania has presented different symptoms including anxiety. On Friday I noticed that my head and actions had calmed significantly however I have been left with the most frightening paranoia and I am terrified that I am going to enter a depressive episode and that is something I can’t seem to shake off.
I know that sometimes I can experience hypomania and then a period of relative stability however I also know that depression is an option and the last couple of episodes have gone this way and in a dramatic fashion.
A day or even an hour at a time is the best course of action for the next few days. Apologies for short blog but struggling to get my words out or make much sense. Thanks for reading.
A post for #selfharmawarenessday yesterday
I write this post as someone who self harmed from the age of 14 until only a year or so ago. So for over half my life I had been consumed by self harm. I both hated it with a passion but relied on it like a good faithful friend.
I remember the first time I self harmed I was at school and sat on top of a toilet cistern to hide away and cut my arm with a compass point.
What I felt when I did this was a massive release and relief from the mental pain just for a small amount of time. It wasn’t at all about gaining attention (even though others thought that was the case) but more a way of coping and getting through an enormously difficult time. I didn’t really know much about self harm and certainly it wasn’t a public thing or part of any group action.
Yes it frightened me; but as I got older it actually probably saved my life. At times when I was immensely suicidal the release by self harming and therefore the small focus away from the mental pain sometimes gave me respite from intense suicidal feelings.
As my bipolar became more prominent the fact I self harmed seemed to distract psychiatrists away from a bipolar diagnosis even though there was a clear family history. This was frustrating as it seemed the only symptom/end result that was focused on and even when I had a bipolar diagnosis other psychiatrists who I might see during crisis or within the home treatment team would convince themselves my bipolar diagnosis was incorrect and just focus on the self harm.
This happened most recently 2 years ago and after that very distressing crisis assessment I made an official complaint and actually got to meet with the trust medical director and correct my medical records. Self harm can be a symptom of many psychological diagnosis’ and consistency of professionals is vital in ensuring the full picture is taken into consideration.
People often ask me how I stopped self harming. I actually stopped over a year before I actually stopped wanting to self harm. I stopped because I convinced myself that it wasn’t working like it used to and that I had managed to build up a tool box of other coping mechanisms that actually worked better. Just stopping didn’t though take away the debilitating urges and horrendous flashbacks to times that I had self harmed which in turn would lead to dreams and images recalling horrendous episodes of mania and depression time and time again.
When I started my second cycle of EMDR it was clear that tackling the self harm was a priority and so this is what we concentrated on. It was absolutely horrendous and I re-lived some terrifying experiences but since last May ( a couple of months after finishing EMDR and throwing all my blades away) I realised that I no longer wanted to self harm.
The first major depressive episode that I experienced was the ultimate ‘test’ but not once did I want to self harm and not once did I buy any blades. Yes I felt desperate and suicidal but the urge to self harm had disappeared and not returned.
What would I say to people that have an urge to self harm – this is a hard one but I hope that they have somewhere or someone to turn to instead of self harming. I realise that this isn’t often the case and therefore self harm might be the only option in some peoples minds and if people do self harm they need to be given support, safe places and not judged because they self harm. It is not attention seeking behaviour and often as in my case a life saving coping strategy. I actually often would text the Samaritans when I had an urge to cut. This did stop me more than just a few times as it gave my mind a different focus and so became another coping strategy.
I wish I had never started but also know it part of my story.
A good appointment that in the end was more frustrating than helpful
I today went to my monthly appointment with my care coordinator who had kindly and sensibly invited along my therapist who I know very well and who I finished sessions with last May. I was incredible anxious when I got there partly because having monthly appointments is generally making me anxious as they are so far apart and also because this particular episode is a very anxious one.
In a way I found it weird with 2 people there but my therapist took the lead and both of them seemed to be concerned about how I was at present. I was asked how I was using my therapy strategies and how I thought I was recognising my triggers and early warning signs. To be honest I think that as far as is possible I use as many strategies as best I can but I explained that when I become unwell my focus is staying safe not whether I have practiced mindfulness as that goes out the window with me during these times.
My therapist then focused on the letter which she wrote to me after therapy in May. It focused on the main areas we had worked on and the strategies which we had used to help with certain symptoms.
These ranged from work on self esteem, self harm, self care, dealing with anxiety and using mindfulness to name just a few. I was so touched that my therapist really recognised the huge effort I have put into working on strategies since therapy and yes that spurs me on but I also felt angry that I am doing what I can but actually feel so isolated because I am doing it all on my own with no support from the system. Not only am I doing it all on my own but my family and friends are caring for me on their own with no support.
I left the appointment very grateful for the chance to talk to someone about how I really felt, gain reassurance that I am doing all I can and having the opportunity to ask a couple of questions about strategies for coping with psychotic symptoms. However I also left the appointment upset as it highlighted that this sort of intervention could really help me but I know it isn’t on offer. I also don’t want to become reliant on support when it will be taken away next month again.
I just have the same unanswered question ‘ surely consistency, individualised support and support that relates to need is better than slow, inconsistent crisis care that often comes too late and disjointed in its approach’?
#morethanadiagnosis …… Discuss!
Every so often my twitter feed will be full of a new hashtag and with this brings different opinions and thoughts on many different subjects. Over the last few days one has caught my eye, made me think, challenged me and also most importantly got me and probably countless others talking with people about mental health and sharing a bit about one another.
The hashtag I suppose is saying that we are more than our diagnosis’s and this got me thinking. For me personally and this is my opinion when I first heard this I thought yes of course I am more than a diagnosis of bipolar. I am a wife, a daughter, a bossy sister, a colleague and countless other things. In fact the hashtag gave me a bit of a boost and for someone that struggles to find positive things to say when talking about myself it was quite a revelation!
I also think that sometimes mental health professionals struggle to see past the diagnosis and when they do they might miss the diagnosis completely. For example when I have spoken to mental health professionals in the past about my job I have immediately been told I must be fine and coping ok and all the frightening symptoms I might of described just minutes earlier are ignored.
When I thought about this hashtag more closely I then thought that my diagnosis has rather shaped some of the things I describe myself as being more than my diagnosis. I am not sure if this makes sense as I often struggle to get my thoughts down on paper but would I be the wife I am, for example if I wasn’t bipolar?
Whatever people think and just like each diagnosis it is so individual, so is our opinion on the hashtag and that is absolutely fine! I am just pleased to be part of the discussion and keep the conversation going.
Thank you twitter for that opportunity!
Preparing to be discharged ……… Again!
After the chaos that surrounded the last appointment I was supposed to have with my care coordinator I was reassured to find her at the correct location this week! I was pleasantly surprised. She started by apologising and I sympathised with her as the system is mostly to blame for the amount of travelling that she has to do.
I really like her style! This might sound peculiar however she really gets how everyone is different and therefore is affected differently by mental health
Illnesses. She also doesn’t go through a rigorous checklist of assessment questions which I find makes conversation harder and instead talks openly with me, dropping questions into the conversation or picking up on things I say in order to ensure that she covers all the important and necessary areas. She lets me talk but does her job and as much as I hate a checklist I understand the importance of assessing and watching for signs.
We talked about how evenings are difficult for me and instead of telling me what to do we talked about options and she suggested things that might help. She had also got in touch with my previous therapist who is retiring soon and has asked her along to my next appointment which I was so pleased about. I thought it was very sensible for a care coordinator who has known me for 3 months to ask the professional who knows me best to see me. I was really grateful for this and this is taking place at the end of February.
After that appointment I will have 1 one more in March and then I will be discharged from mental health services back to the care of my GP. It is very frustrating and frightening not to be in a longer term care team and actually it is something that at the moment I am trying to push out of mind. My family however are concerned. My husband, family and close friends saw for themselves the immense struggle and distress I faced last October/November and are scared for me that this will happen again. They provided that 24 hour care without any professionals on board for almost 3 weeks. How many times will this have to happen?
Poverty Homeless Action Week – A Personal View
This week I am going to be attending a networking event on Tuesday evening at a local charity who support young, single homeless people in the borough. When I was just 19 I found myself in a very difficult situation. I had been living with my family and had recently started college but for many reasons I was unable to continue to live at home. My mental health had really deteriorated and this with other very difficult situations meant that I found myself without anywhere I could permanently live. I was definitely one of the lucky ones as I had other friends and family I could stay with however this wouldn’t of been ideal on a permanent basis and I needed some space and stability.
I decided to confide in my tutor at college who had heard of the charity and made a phone call on my behalf. The charity met me almost immediately and then worked hard to place me with a couple who we’re renting out a spare room in their house through the charity. This placement and host couple gave me the opportunity to distance myself from a difficult situation and focus on my college course and treatment for my mental illness as I hadn’t yet been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
Whilst the placement unfortunately meant I was more vulnerable in other ways it gave me a chance to focus on things I needed to and the staff at the charity were fantastic and also instrumental in ensuring that I was transferred to a supported living environment within 7 months.
They also assisted with the overwhelming task of claiming benefits and budgeting which coming from a fairly affluent background was completely alien to me.
As we spend time this week thinking of and acting where possible to help those who find themselves poverty stricken and maybe homeless I thank the people who helped me when I needed it and therefore probably stopped me from sinking further into the poverty trap.
Why are mental health patients always in the wrong?…….or so we are told!
I hope this doesn’t come across as too angry but I am so cross and disappointed to be let down so badly by the mental health system. I had really worked myself up to my appointment today as I always do and I am sure this is a feeling that others experience too.
I last saw my care ordinator in December at my local mental health centre – it is not the centre where the care coordinators in the team I am under are based but because they are setup in a way I cannot fathom I can still request to see staff at the centre most local to me. Only in emergency situations would I ever go to the centre that is not so local.
After my December appointment I was telephoned by my care coordinator and we made an appointment for today at 3pm at my local centre. Due to the large gap between appointments I was more anxious than usual and also wanted to speak to my care coordinator about lots of important issues as I have blogged about before.
I work full time so I had booked off from 2.50pm this afternoon and made my way 5 minutes up the road to the CMHT building. I live and work within 5 minutes of here so the obvious choice. On arrival I spoke to the receptionist who I have known for years and she made a call to the office where she expected my CC to be but told she wasn’t there. She then called the other office which is half hour away and she answered and said that I should be there where she was! The receptionist passed the phone to me and instead of any apology I was told by my CC that the appointment had been made for the further away centre because I had said this was easier for me because of work! This is completely wrong and in no way logical and I now have to call tomorrow to arrange another appointment and have all that build up again.
Whilst I am happy to accept that everyone makes mistakes I am appalled that no apology was offered and that actually I was blamed for a mistake that was obviously hers. It always comes down to the staff members word against a service user’s and the staff member always seems to be believed. What made it more worrying was that I was told by the receptionist that I was the 3rd person today who was at a different location to their CC – there is definitely something wrong with the system.
Reasonable adjustment but not too much!
After a very busy week at work I felt I needed to blog about reasonable adjustments for people with mental health illnesses and why I think these need to be so carefully tailor made for each indIvidual. Even though I have bipolar I am very careful about what reasonable adjustments I have and very rarely ask for any in the workplace. Basically the main reason for this is because I think I could feel worse if I were to feel uncomfortable in anyway about an adjustment even if someone else thought it was in my best interests or if it had worked for someone else – everyone is different.
For example work are keen for me to have a dedicated parking space, as because of my anxiety and past trauma I am unable to park in the multi-storey car park near the college if there is no space in the college car park. To get a parking space you have to get in by 8.30am which is not a problem most of the time as I prefer to start work at 8am. Sometimes though I need to get in later due to side effects of medication or for a doctors appointment and it is a nightmare not getting a space and it causes me lots of added stress. This means that I don’t use my late morning and flexible working reasonable adjustment as often as I should and I don’t want a saved space because other people won’t understand and the anxiety of thinking people might be annoyed by this or are talking about me would be harder for me to cope with. I have comprised on this one and said that when building work starts which will reduce the number of places for a time I will have one but not until then.
Part of how I cope is to keep busy and this works for me – it might not work for everyone but that is why I am trying to ensure that people understand how different one case of bipolar is from another. I am sure that this same principle works for other illnesses as well.
Because work has been so busy this week friends and family gave urged me to take it easy, to contact HR about workload but this is really not me and therefore I haven’t done so. I might regret this further down the line but actually I know myself very well and believe me I am close enough to my last episode to be careful. I think as it stands today asking for some time out, flexible working or extra support could in fact make me worse as I will give myself a hard time. I just need to convince others of this as well.
My Journey through the world of Mental Health 