I write this post as someone who self harmed from the age of 14 until only a year or so ago. So for over half my life I had been consumed by self harm. I both hated it with a passion but relied on it like a good faithful friend.
I remember the first time I self harmed I was at school and sat on top of a toilet cistern to hide away and cut my arm with a compass point.
What I felt when I did this was a massive release and relief from the mental pain just for a small amount of time. It wasn’t at all about gaining attention (even though others thought that was the case) but more a way of coping and getting through an enormously difficult time. I didn’t really know much about self harm and certainly it wasn’t a public thing or part of any group action.
Yes it frightened me; but as I got older it actually probably saved my life. At times when I was immensely suicidal the release by self harming and therefore the small focus away from the mental pain sometimes gave me respite from intense suicidal feelings.
As my bipolar became more prominent the fact I self harmed seemed to distract psychiatrists away from a bipolar diagnosis even though there was a clear family history. This was frustrating as it seemed the only symptom/end result that was focused on and even when I had a bipolar diagnosis other psychiatrists who I might see during crisis or within the home treatment team would convince themselves my bipolar diagnosis was incorrect and just focus on the self harm.
This happened most recently 2 years ago and after that very distressing crisis assessment I made an official complaint and actually got to meet with the trust medical director and correct my medical records. Self harm can be a symptom of many psychological diagnosis’ and consistency of professionals is vital in ensuring the full picture is taken into consideration.
People often ask me how I stopped self harming. I actually stopped over a year before I actually stopped wanting to self harm. I stopped because I convinced myself that it wasn’t working like it used to and that I had managed to build up a tool box of other coping mechanisms that actually worked better. Just stopping didn’t though take away the debilitating urges and horrendous flashbacks to times that I had self harmed which in turn would lead to dreams and images recalling horrendous episodes of mania and depression time and time again.
When I started my second cycle of EMDR it was clear that tackling the self harm was a priority and so this is what we concentrated on. It was absolutely horrendous and I re-lived some terrifying experiences but since last May ( a couple of months after finishing EMDR and throwing all my blades away) I realised that I no longer wanted to self harm.
The first major depressive episode that I experienced was the ultimate ‘test’ but not once did I want to self harm and not once did I buy any blades. Yes I felt desperate and suicidal but the urge to self harm had disappeared and not returned.
What would I say to people that have an urge to self harm – this is a hard one but I hope that they have somewhere or someone to turn to instead of self harming. I realise that this isn’t often the case and therefore self harm might be the only option in some peoples minds and if people do self harm they need to be given support, safe places and not judged because they self harm. It is not attention seeking behaviour and often as in my case a life saving coping strategy. I actually often would text the Samaritans when I had an urge to cut. This did stop me more than just a few times as it gave my mind a different focus and so became another coping strategy.
I wish I had never started but also know it part of my story.
mental health
A good appointment that in the end was more frustrating than helpful
I today went to my monthly appointment with my care coordinator who had kindly and sensibly invited along my therapist who I know very well and who I finished sessions with last May. I was incredible anxious when I got there partly because having monthly appointments is generally making me anxious as they are so far apart and also because this particular episode is a very anxious one.
In a way I found it weird with 2 people there but my therapist took the lead and both of them seemed to be concerned about how I was at present. I was asked how I was using my therapy strategies and how I thought I was recognising my triggers and early warning signs. To be honest I think that as far as is possible I use as many strategies as best I can but I explained that when I become unwell my focus is staying safe not whether I have practiced mindfulness as that goes out the window with me during these times.
My therapist then focused on the letter which she wrote to me after therapy in May. It focused on the main areas we had worked on and the strategies which we had used to help with certain symptoms.
These ranged from work on self esteem, self harm, self care, dealing with anxiety and using mindfulness to name just a few. I was so touched that my therapist really recognised the huge effort I have put into working on strategies since therapy and yes that spurs me on but I also felt angry that I am doing what I can but actually feel so isolated because I am doing it all on my own with no support from the system. Not only am I doing it all on my own but my family and friends are caring for me on their own with no support.
I left the appointment very grateful for the chance to talk to someone about how I really felt, gain reassurance that I am doing all I can and having the opportunity to ask a couple of questions about strategies for coping with psychotic symptoms. However I also left the appointment upset as it highlighted that this sort of intervention could really help me but I know it isn’t on offer. I also don’t want to become reliant on support when it will be taken away next month again.
I just have the same unanswered question ‘ surely consistency, individualised support and support that relates to need is better than slow, inconsistent crisis care that often comes too late and disjointed in its approach’?
#morethanadiagnosis …… Discuss!
Every so often my twitter feed will be full of a new hashtag and with this brings different opinions and thoughts on many different subjects. Over the last few days one has caught my eye, made me think, challenged me and also most importantly got me and probably countless others talking with people about mental health and sharing a bit about one another.
The hashtag I suppose is saying that we are more than our diagnosis’s and this got me thinking. For me personally and this is my opinion when I first heard this I thought yes of course I am more than a diagnosis of bipolar. I am a wife, a daughter, a bossy sister, a colleague and countless other things. In fact the hashtag gave me a bit of a boost and for someone that struggles to find positive things to say when talking about myself it was quite a revelation!
I also think that sometimes mental health professionals struggle to see past the diagnosis and when they do they might miss the diagnosis completely. For example when I have spoken to mental health professionals in the past about my job I have immediately been told I must be fine and coping ok and all the frightening symptoms I might of described just minutes earlier are ignored.
When I thought about this hashtag more closely I then thought that my diagnosis has rather shaped some of the things I describe myself as being more than my diagnosis. I am not sure if this makes sense as I often struggle to get my thoughts down on paper but would I be the wife I am, for example if I wasn’t bipolar?
Whatever people think and just like each diagnosis it is so individual, so is our opinion on the hashtag and that is absolutely fine! I am just pleased to be part of the discussion and keep the conversation going.
Thank you twitter for that opportunity!
Preparing to be discharged ……… Again!
After the chaos that surrounded the last appointment I was supposed to have with my care coordinator I was reassured to find her at the correct location this week! I was pleasantly surprised. She started by apologising and I sympathised with her as the system is mostly to blame for the amount of travelling that she has to do.
I really like her style! This might sound peculiar however she really gets how everyone is different and therefore is affected differently by mental health
Illnesses. She also doesn’t go through a rigorous checklist of assessment questions which I find makes conversation harder and instead talks openly with me, dropping questions into the conversation or picking up on things I say in order to ensure that she covers all the important and necessary areas. She lets me talk but does her job and as much as I hate a checklist I understand the importance of assessing and watching for signs.
We talked about how evenings are difficult for me and instead of telling me what to do we talked about options and she suggested things that might help. She had also got in touch with my previous therapist who is retiring soon and has asked her along to my next appointment which I was so pleased about. I thought it was very sensible for a care coordinator who has known me for 3 months to ask the professional who knows me best to see me. I was really grateful for this and this is taking place at the end of February.
After that appointment I will have 1 one more in March and then I will be discharged from mental health services back to the care of my GP. It is very frustrating and frightening not to be in a longer term care team and actually it is something that at the moment I am trying to push out of mind. My family however are concerned. My husband, family and close friends saw for themselves the immense struggle and distress I faced last October/November and are scared for me that this will happen again. They provided that 24 hour care without any professionals on board for almost 3 weeks. How many times will this have to happen?
Time to Change and Time to Talk
The posts and tweets I have seen today have really made me smile and feel warm inside. The campaign has come on so much in the last few years and whilst there is a long way to go the progress can be seen. In my own life I would never of thought I could talk so openly with people about mental illness as a subject and also my diagnosis of bipolar. I never thought I could challenge stigma within my own friendship groups, family and at work. I have been comforted by the fact that people have felt they could open up to me because of a conversation I had started.
In addition to this blogging and twitter have proved to be immensely therapeutic and the ability to read and share with other people experiencing similar but very individual stories has at times been life saving and inspiring.
Keep talking everyone, thank you all
A pretty perfect weekend – despite the broken boiler!
It has been so wonderful to have such a lovely weekend, one where I have also felt pretty well and pretty ‘steady’. After such a difficult few months I was able to enjoy such great events and not be too pre-occupied by symptoms of bipolar. The biggest thing for me recently has been paranoia which can mean that I am heading for a depression or a hypo manic episode – this is very scary and so I was relieved to have some respite from these symptoms.
Last Thursday evening our CO2 alarm at home sounded which straight away I knew wasn’t just a battery warning! After various visits from gas and boiler experts we have a condemned boiler so now working our way through the world of quotes and trying to get to grips with technical facts!
Instead of stressing me out I took this in my stride and thanked God for our alarm.
On Saturday I took my Brownies to the Science Museum. It was fantastic and they were a pleasure to take out for the day. We had lots of laughs and learnt so much. What made it even more special was meeting one of my best friends who lives in Oxford who had brought her Brownie pack with her as well – it was just a great day. Volunteering gives me such a boost and helps with my self esteem and also I enjoy it so much.
After an exhausting trip to London normally I would run a warm bath and relax for the evening but last night was my sister in law’s 30th Birthday Party back in London. It was absolutely fantastic and wonderful to catch up with people, have a good dance and generally let my hair down. I am so pleased that I felt pretty well and that I could enjoy myself.
Today I made it to church which provided me with some quiet and time for reflection and then my husband and I went out for Sunday lunch – much warmer in a pub than our house at the moment!
I am feeling tired but contented and very blessed and hope I can take this positivity into next week and beyond.
Why are mental health patients always in the wrong?…….or so we are told!
I hope this doesn’t come across as too angry but I am so cross and disappointed to be let down so badly by the mental health system. I had really worked myself up to my appointment today as I always do and I am sure this is a feeling that others experience too.
I last saw my care ordinator in December at my local mental health centre – it is not the centre where the care coordinators in the team I am under are based but because they are setup in a way I cannot fathom I can still request to see staff at the centre most local to me. Only in emergency situations would I ever go to the centre that is not so local.
After my December appointment I was telephoned by my care coordinator and we made an appointment for today at 3pm at my local centre. Due to the large gap between appointments I was more anxious than usual and also wanted to speak to my care coordinator about lots of important issues as I have blogged about before.
I work full time so I had booked off from 2.50pm this afternoon and made my way 5 minutes up the road to the CMHT building. I live and work within 5 minutes of here so the obvious choice. On arrival I spoke to the receptionist who I have known for years and she made a call to the office where she expected my CC to be but told she wasn’t there. She then called the other office which is half hour away and she answered and said that I should be there where she was! The receptionist passed the phone to me and instead of any apology I was told by my CC that the appointment had been made for the further away centre because I had said this was easier for me because of work! This is completely wrong and in no way logical and I now have to call tomorrow to arrange another appointment and have all that build up again.
Whilst I am happy to accept that everyone makes mistakes I am appalled that no apology was offered and that actually I was blamed for a mistake that was obviously hers. It always comes down to the staff members word against a service user’s and the staff member always seems to be believed. What made it more worrying was that I was told by the receptionist that I was the 3rd person today who was at a different location to their CC – there is definitely something wrong with the system.
Reasonable adjustment but not too much!
After a very busy week at work I felt I needed to blog about reasonable adjustments for people with mental health illnesses and why I think these need to be so carefully tailor made for each indIvidual. Even though I have bipolar I am very careful about what reasonable adjustments I have and very rarely ask for any in the workplace. Basically the main reason for this is because I think I could feel worse if I were to feel uncomfortable in anyway about an adjustment even if someone else thought it was in my best interests or if it had worked for someone else – everyone is different.
For example work are keen for me to have a dedicated parking space, as because of my anxiety and past trauma I am unable to park in the multi-storey car park near the college if there is no space in the college car park. To get a parking space you have to get in by 8.30am which is not a problem most of the time as I prefer to start work at 8am. Sometimes though I need to get in later due to side effects of medication or for a doctors appointment and it is a nightmare not getting a space and it causes me lots of added stress. This means that I don’t use my late morning and flexible working reasonable adjustment as often as I should and I don’t want a saved space because other people won’t understand and the anxiety of thinking people might be annoyed by this or are talking about me would be harder for me to cope with. I have comprised on this one and said that when building work starts which will reduce the number of places for a time I will have one but not until then.
Part of how I cope is to keep busy and this works for me – it might not work for everyone but that is why I am trying to ensure that people understand how different one case of bipolar is from another. I am sure that this same principle works for other illnesses as well.
Because work has been so busy this week friends and family gave urged me to take it easy, to contact HR about workload but this is really not me and therefore I haven’t done so. I might regret this further down the line but actually I know myself very well and believe me I am close enough to my last episode to be careful. I think as it stands today asking for some time out, flexible working or extra support could in fact make me worse as I will give myself a hard time. I just need to convince others of this as well.
I want to abolish evenings and nights!
This may seem ridiculous but I am completely at a loss about how to improve the evenings. This recovery has been very tough – I am frustrated and I know possibly also impatient but the evenings and nights are so hard. I can have a fairly positive day – without any signs of depression. I may get pangs of anxiety during the day but all in all I am pleased with the progress I have made. I then return home or even at the weekends start to settle in for the evening (although I can feel unwell in the evenings even if I am out and not at home) and quite quickly the anxiety sets in and I start to experience waves of depression and even desperation when it is at it’s worse.
I have tried everything – I have rested, tried to read, tried to keep busy or find distractions. I have had baths, practiced mindfulness but nothing seems to work for long or at all and the evenings and nights that follow really bring me down and I am using all the positivity I can muster to keep focused and reminding myself how far I have come. What really frightens me is the speed in which I experience these symptoms. Literally just minutes can pass and that really undermines my confidence and scares me so much.
The nights have also been bad and I had been struggling to get to sleep much before 2am and waking 2 or 3 times in a complete panic and then really only dozing before waking again. This was frustrating during the holidays but I could at least doze in till lunchtime if I needed to but I couldn’t let this continue when I returned to work so I started taking sleeping tablets from Saturday night. I have had 2 better nights sleep but still woke each night once and was fairly distressed. I have at least ensured I am getting 6 hours sleep a night which is vital to sustain my recovery – I am walking a tightrope that seems to be getting thinner.
I have an appointment on 22nd January with my care coordinator which is not ideal but going to ring GP tomorrow as I need to ensure I can talk this through with a professional – I hate feeling isolated on top of everything else.
A week after being discharged….
So 1 week ago I was discharged from the mental health system after 16 years. Reason why – not because I have suddenly got better or discharged myself but because the system has no money to keep me on and doesn’t believe I have a ‘long term’ mental health condition!
I suffer from bi-polar disorder and whilst I am well at present I find it staggering that when I next relapse I will have to start at the beginning of the system again with strangers!
How do I feel now? Actually as I am well I am feeling very positive about things and meeting with mental health senior managers next week to continue my fight for better care for all. I worry that people with similar conditions to myself that don’t have the support I do outside of the system will be discharged and this will lead to many more problems.
Keep fighting!
My Journey through the world of Mental Health 