After yesterday’s nightmare I decided that today I would go into work – before everyone says ‘you can’t be that unwell’ I took this hard decision in order to stay safe – simple as that. I didn’t have anyone I could ask to look after me today – the majority of people I know including my husband work full time. I struggled and yes at times did an oscar performance, had 2 panic attacks in the toilet and overall now really paying for it – a hard but necessary decision.
I did though this morning receive a call from the correct team at the Mental Health Trust. The guy I spoke to was at least sympathetic but after yesterday I had no energy to explain anything to anyone. I was offered an ’emergency appointment’ for this Thursday – not what I would call a fast response nearly 2 weeks after my GP got in touch with them. I asked the guy if I could send him my last 3 blogs as a way of explaining exactly how I was feeling and what was happening. Not sure if this was a good idea and even though I asked for a response and confirmation these would be read I have heard nothing! I have said that whoever sees me on Thursday needs to have read them otherwise I am in for another unhelpful and distressing experience.
I wonder what they will make of my blog? Will they make judgements on it before seeing me? Probably yes but I needed to be honest and I am a fighter who doesn’t give up lightly – that’s how I got through today and the other very tough days in the past.

My amazing friend, today said that if I really wanted to or felt I had to go to A and E she would take me. I really didn’t want to go – too many memories of past trips where they had been judgemental, said things that were insensitive and generally did absolutely nothing to aid the mental health crisis I had gone with. However since being discharged I had been continually told that I should go there to get help. I was repeatedly informed that this was the only way to get a mental health assessment.
I was more than sceptical but I really needed to feel I was doing all I could to get the help I need. Although if I am honest I probably knew I was doing all I can even though the system was doing its best to convince me otherwise.
We arrived there at about 12.40pm – what struck me immediately was the small space – it had been altered since I was last there. My head is not in a good place and every noise can really affect me and as it got busier I struggled more and became more agitated. This made me even more frustrated as I had gone there to get better not feel worse. My anxiety is also really bad and I was starting to panic and shake – this did nothing for my paranoia as people would inevitably turn and look. Why on earth is this place a suitable haven for someone experiencing mental distress?
After about an hour I was eventually seen by 2 triage nurses – not sure why 2 I am pretty sure that everyone else had 1. One took my blood pressure and the other assessed me – I use the term lightly as it is hard to be assessed whilst having your blood pressure taken and only being giving 4 minutes to explain what was wrong. It is so hard for me to talk to strangers that when I opened my mouth she talked for me. I sounded pathetic – I think she got I was depressed and suicidal but not about the other distressing symptoms I was experiencing.
After another hour I was getting progressively worse we had to move seats as my paranoia also worsened and so did my anxiety. About 3pm I suddenly remembered that I had been promised a Phonecall from the mental health team and surprisingly I had not received this. I wanted to get out of there so badly but my friend encouraged and persuaded me to stay until 4pm and then suggested that I called the mental health trust to chase their Phonecall and to update them.
Before this my friend had also tried to get an update from staff. Basically they did not have a clue the main reason being that the accident and emergency department is within the main hospital run by one health care trust and the mental services ( who do have a hospital in the same grounds) is run by another.
The old ‘it’s not our fault/problem’ was very evident.
At 4pm I called the team that had promised me a call on Friday. They didn’t have a record of any promise of a Phonecall which wasn’t a surprise but my original referral from 1st November really hadn’t got much further. I explained where I was to the person on the phone and told her that I was leaving shortly as the distress I was experiencing was too great. She ended by letting me know that if I felt worse tonight I should call 999 and go to accident and emergency – it would be funny if it wasn’t so horrendous.
At 4.30 I very calmly went to the desk and told them I was leaving. He didn’t seem surprised – maybe relieved it was one less waiting or resigned to the fact that the system had failed yet another person.
7 hours on I am back where I started – not sure what more I can do apart from trust my instincts and rely on those people I know will be there.

I am always concerned how after so many years suffering from such disabling depression that some people really still think that recovery is a case of me just ‘cheering up’. Sending me something to distract me or force a smile does mean a lot and I know people are there but it can’t fix me. It can’t take away the blackness, the despair – it can’t bring back the senses that have disappeared such as taste and being able to tell if I am hot or cold. It can’t take away the fact that sometimes the depression is so severe that I hear things twice or constantly see flashes of light out if the corner of my eyes. It doesn’t stop the paranoia or the acute desperation. It doesn’t mean that all of a sudden I can sing again, enjoy something or even know when I am crying.
What I would say is that just some contact is better than nothing. In a week with limited contact/support 1 text can make a massive difference and I love my friends and family for that.

Being well for such a long period has it’s down sides. From this deep depression I have realised that yes I did have a short time of ‘hypomania’. I either decided to ignore this or really took my eye off the ball and missed it altogether. Whichever it was it hurts as I wonder whether what I feel now could of been avoided or whether I would feel like this whatever the case.
During my recent high I managed to buy half the Christmas presents, organise a fairly rash/large birthday meal for my husband, survive on little sleep to name just a few things. Not a serious high and I functioned fully at all times (which is how my illness manifests itself) but the depression now is very bad and feel totally unsupported by the system.
After what I have realised today though I don’t blame people for not wanting to help. I normally pick up on changes in my mood. I feel like this is my punishment for being complacent.
Let’s just hope the deep depression is short lived.

Eventually called GP today as not heard anything from mental health team. I asked the receptionist to confirm that the urgent letter of referral had been sent and she was very helpful and said it had been faxed on Friday and sent in post.
She said that no one could chase till Friday which is pretty ridiculous as I am sure someone could. Even by saying the word ‘crisis’ made no difference. I can’t really fault the lady I spoke to – she did in fact get the fact that I needed to see one of 2 GP’s I know well which at the moment is so vital – I can’t see just anyone. However no appointments available. I can call back Friday – might only be 2 days but that us 42 hours of hell as only sleeping 3 hours a night! I can also go to accident and emergency – no thank you!
Oh and ironically I am supposed to be attending an induction as a Governor in at the same Health Trust that I am waiting to hear from on Monday – I wonder what will happen when/if the 2 areas of the Trust realise this?

I have a difficult issue at the moment.
For those if you that don’t know I am a Data and Funding manager for a local college. I love my job and I find that even at my bad times working can help to an extent. I have very supportive managers who put in place a flexible working plan for me when I am unwell so at the moment I work from 8 until 2 at the latest then go home and am on emails and do light tasks for an hour or so.
I am bipolar and also suffer from severe anxiety/paranoia and when unwell I do take promethazine and also diazepam which are the only meds that work ( in moderation) and also don’t give me horrendous side effects. I also am very cautious when taking them and have recently gone for 6 months totally med free.
This brings me on to anti – depressants and anti-psychotics which I don’t take for 2 reasons:
Firstly I suffer from horrendous side effects and also cannot function on these medications. This means I am unable to work and because I don’t have support in the daytime can spend hours on my own which puts me at more risk.
Secondly at times in the past when I have been in hospital or when I didn’t work I was on medication which no matter the combination or dose never seemed to work and in fact the only thing that has worked for me is therapy or having a named contact (maybe a CPN) to see monthly when I am well (or even less regularly) so that as soon as I need support or start to feel unwell I have a consistent familiar person to assist and who can ensure I take prn medication correctly whilst giving me support that works for me.
As this seems impossible to put in place I now find myself in a situation where because I don’t take medication and because I do work I don’t get the help I need. Surely it is best to support me in work and listen to what works for me and not just make me take medication which doesn’t work and which ultimately would put me more at risk.
What also upsets me is that psychiatric staff continually belittle my illness and symptoms because I carry on working – why can’t people realise that I am very unwell, that I know myself so well but that working is helping – it doesn’t mean the depression is any less or that I shouldn’t be taken seriously. I am not saying that my way is the right way for others in fact that is the whole point and everyone is different and bipolar comes in different forms which is why I should be encouraged and supported in anyway that helps not just made to fit a criteria.

After spending all day in bed yesterday I knew that today I needed to do things which I had committed to. There are 2 reasons for this; firstly I hate letting people down as when I am unwell it makes the paranoia worse and also there are sadly people who I can’t always be honest with about how I feel. Somehow stigma around mental health is the hardest thing to deal with in family situations – often when others also have experienced mental health problems in the past.
I remember the 2nd time I was admitted to hospital. (The 1st time I was just 18 and was for only 1 night and my mum came to take me home the next morning – not a good move!) my family had therefore decided that private was best and I had been admitted (a week after the 1st admission) to the priory hospital locally to us – paid for by Bupa as I was on my Dad’s policy. My Dad had asked how long I was likely to be in hospital for and the psychiatrist had said about 3 weeks! After 3 weeks everyone expected me to be home and so the 1st misunderstanding surrounding mental health began! This was no broken leg!
So back to today! I wanted to get to Church today – just the place makes me feel so safe and also I knew that people would be there who knew I was unwell and that on the whole I wouldn’t be judged.
We then had a family meal organised – my brother had arranged it and it is always great to see him and his lovely wife. My mum was there and my husband and I and also my Nan who at nearly 90 is fairly oblivious to my mental health illness probably through choice and because I have been caught out before when deciding to be honest about how I feel and it had left me worse so I needed to keep quiet today.
I am now in bed as totally exhausted – no one really knows how much lunch can take out of me and how much an Oscar performance will cost me. I wish I could be myself but wouldn’t want to be judged or told to stop spoiling things for others when I am at my lowest. The thing that is hard is trying to explain to people how I can appear differently depending on whom I am with – this doesn’t mean I necessarily feel any different – more that people deal with my illness in quite different ways and I have had to learn to adapt to this.
Not sure if this makes sense but it does to me and I wish that it didn’t always have to be like this but maybe one day it will be different.

Today I feel like an asthmatic who is having an asthma attack and has been told to wait up to 2 weeks for an inhaler or nebuliser.
Have been re-referred to services but no sense of urgency at all.
If I need help I should go to A&E – never something I would choose to do as in the past this has made me worse & my job is to keep myself as ‘ok’ as I can.
Let’s hope that by the time they call me I can say I don’t need the help anymore – I can only hope.

I haven’t blogged for ages so thought I would about something that is really causing me problems & something that I find so hard to understand.
Earlier this year I was discharged from mental health services after being in them for 16 years & even though I had a major episode only in February – 3 months before discharge.
I have been seeing my GP on a regular basis but not having any psychiatric support from a CPN or therapist has been hard but manageable ywhilst being well. As soon as I started to feel unwell I contacted my GP but in a 10 min appointment (which I had to wait for 4 days) there is not a lot they can do but because I have been discharged from MH system I have to be re-referred, re-assessed & go over so much ground again & to top it all they probably won’t get me any help until crisis point is reached & even then it won’t be easy.
I can’t see that this is a cost effective or therapeutic way to treat people with recurring conditions such as bi-polar which I have. Even having a CPN I could see every month could even prevent a crisis & would stop this horrendous anxiety about having no support.
However much I would like never to be unwell again I am realistic that this will/is happening & therefore coping with that unsupported is so hard.
I am now also a governor of the mental health trust I was under – I can’t see this making a difference but wonder if I can & help others like me!

Is mental health going to be given the same status as physical health? That is the question of the week in my eyes.
I am asthmatic and therefore use an inhaler on occasion. My asthma has improved dramatically but I still am prescribed an inhaler and my peak flow is continually monitored and I see an asthma nurse.
On the other hand I am also bi-polar and although I have a better toolkit & do my best to manage my illness I now have no specialised mental health support. I will always have bi-polar but the fact that I know that I need regular support from a CPN and to be able to talk regularly to someone seems not to matter and I will probably only get help again when I next have a crisis.
I cannot see how this is fair, right for patients or cost effective – surely treating me & ensuring I am less likely to reach crisis is more sensible & the best course of action.
My GP agrees with me and is currently offering me a double appointment every fortnight to try and fill the gap left by my discharge from services. This is not a suitable option but she is doing what she can.
It seems there is a long way to go before mental health is given the same status as physical health – I can’t see asthmatics losing their inhalers or diabetics losing insulin – can you?
I am going to make this a priority campaign and hope to hear from people like me or organisations that have evidence of this.