After 1 day back at work I thought I would reflect on the time I had off and what worked and what was harder. Christmas for me doesn’t hold the best of memories but over the last few years with the help of a wonderful husband, family and friends I have started to make new memories to counteract the not so good ones from my past. These don’t need to be massive things and often it is the little things I treasure. For example going to Church on Christmas morning with my Mum and husband is just lovely. Sharing the wonder of the Christmas story with people you love is a wonderful way to start the day for me. Spending Christmas Eve with my brother, sister in law and her family is something else that made my Christmas. They have supported me so much over the years and it is wonderful to have quality time with them all. Carol services have also been so lovely and helped me to feel my faith again after a tough few months.
Since Christmas we have been on ‘operation clear out’! If I hadn’t gone back to work today I think my husband was concerned I would tidy him away or create a spreadsheet or download an app for the washing! Seriously though having time to sort through things and enjoy breaks for tea and mince pies has helped to continue the holiday feel and ensure I do something’s enjoyable each day.
I love my job but as I got closer to having to return today my anxiety began to rise. I worry that I will forget things, not be able to cope, be rubbish at my job etc… This then exacerbates the anxiety and within an hour I can be close to a panic attack and because I am still recovering I get more worried about getting really ill again. It was terrifying last night and at 2.30am I was still awake and wondering how on earth I would get to work today. After sleeping for 5 hours I went in and of course I managed perfectly well. It is very quiet and so I got lots done as well as using my lunch hour to clear the fridge and microwave – more new year jobs!
Tomorrow it will be quiet again and so I am thankful that I went back today as leaving it till Monday would have caused me greater anxiety especially over the weekend and then it would of been harder to adjust. I was tempted to take extra holiday but relieved I didn’t and thankful that I listened to my logical mind. I do know myself well and need to remember to trust my instincts more. I am also grateful to the friends who have encouraged me especially over the last 2 days when I was concerned I was falling apart again.
As I have said before taking Christmas and any potentially emotional, difficult or tiring time at my pace is the best way for me.

Since I started my Christmas leave I have tried to ‘rest’ as I really need to but as usual I have not really achieved this ideal! The biggest factor in not being able to achieve this has been the fear of stopping and letting any negative thoughts creep in. I also find that in the evenings, when resting would be sensible after a busy day, this is the time the depression can set in so therefore I try and keep going. Why do I do this? Probably because I have always thought and experienced that keeping going can minimise the effects of depression – it seems silly to get into bed and be alone with my thoughts.
I sometimes try and read to relax but it isn’t easy to concentrate at the moment although I can now read a chapter at a time so that is progress.
At other times I practice mindfulness – again this is impossible when I am really unwell but recently my daily making a mindful cup of tea has been present in my daily routine.
I would love to know what I can do to improve my periods of relaxation without leaving myself feeling vulnerable to anxiety and depression in what is proving to be a difficult and worrying recovery.
Sometimes I even find myself getting so upset because I am so exhausted but also terrified to stop – this isn’t sensible and one of my New Years resolutions needs to be trying to deal with this issue.

So Christmas is over for another year. We have the ‘excitement’ of New Year to come but we have decided to stay in with a meal and bottle of wine!
I often dread Christmas – partly due to very bad Christmas memories from my childhood/early adulthood but also I find it so hard when I haven’t been well or have had a difficult lead up to Christmas. I worry about letting people down, not being cheerful enough and generally being a total misery and being in situations that increase anxiety or that are too emotional.
In the last few years I have worked hard to build new memories – Christmas to me is important because of my faith and using that as a basis that everything else stems from has seemed to work. I love the services at Christmas and the time spent with family and friends at my pace is so special. I have just spent my 11th Christmas with my husband ( the 5th as husband and wife) and we have those memories to share together now. Whilst it isn’t always easy and this year certainly was hard in places I can take memories from the last week and treasure them to help in future years.
One important thing is that God was with me and after struggling with my faith over the last few months I am feeling his presence again now. I thank God for this and for those who are journeying with me.

Some of you may know I sing in a choir at Church. When I am really depressed I lose the ability to sing and also my anxiety prevents me from being too exposed so singing is very hard.
At Christmas I love singing at Church and so have been pleased that I have improved enough to even consider singing over Christmas.
Today was the choir service where we sing about 5 pieces along with some hymns and I am thrilled to report that I did it! I managed to sit up the front (with a seat on the end and out of view in case I needed a quick exit!) At times it was really tough but this was a massive achievement and it was lovely to speak to people afterwards that knew that.
The only down side is I had a very sore throat (now even worse) and so couldn’t sing my best but this went a long way to improve my self esteem.
Let’s hope this is the start of my faith returning too .

Last week I updated on my care or lack of it during a recent episode. I have now been offered my 1st appointment with a care coordinator (not including assessment) since I was referred in a crisis by my GP 2 months ago. The only other option I was offered during this time was accident and emergency and my blog on this trip says all that needs to be said about this option.
I have also been told that I will only be back in the system for a very short time before I get discharged again. I am on the whole ok with this as long as it doesn’t take another 2 months to get back in the system next time but unfortunately the system doesn’t work like this.
I will see what the appointment on 23rd December has to offer.
Another conversation I had this week with fellow governors was about how so many appointments are now about tick boxes and the fact there is no individuality to them. It seems to be ok in the minds of health care managers that ensuring the patient has a care plan, has been asked about medication, has a crisis card and knows when their next appointment is what constitutes a successful/excellent appointment. My view is that whilst these things are important they shouldn’t form the basis of any appointment and the focus needs to shift dramatically for a better patient experience. Would welcome people’s views on this subject.

So today I stepped out into the unknown and told someone who I didn’t know very well that I suffered from bipolar and that I was experiencing a depressive episode at the moment. Normally I would be open with people after an episode if they asked but never whilst being unwell as always felt so vulnerable.
At Church today I was on the prayer list – I have been on the list for a few weeks and this in itself is positive and a step forward as often I ask not to be on the list in case of difficult questions.
This time however I had decided that it is important to be honest, to get people talking about mental health and to help reduce stigma. Today someone who I didn’t know that well and who obviously didn’t know about the bipolar asked me how I was and expressed real concern as I had been on the list for a few weeks. I was nervous as always worry about telling people but as soon as I did I knew it was the right thing as I was given a hug and given real encouragement and genuine sympathy.
I also worry about telling people as someone once said to me that people might be offended by my honesty – I now believe this isn’t the case for the majority of people and it is right to keep the conversation going. I would be interested to hear people’s opinion on this as I really never want to offend or embarrass – just let people know how common mental illness is and how it can affect anyone.

When I wake up each morning I seem to still have this constant battle with the depression which can sometimes last quite a while. The depression wants me to stay where I am – give in to the thoughts & feelings but I know I need to get up and battle through. So as I have each day I have got up and done what I planned – maybe slower than usual but getting through the day even if I take 10 mins at a time.
Today was no different and my friend had treated me to a trip up the shard. With anxiety like mine this was no mean feat but I was with someone who knows me very well and therefore gave me the confidence to go and it was so worth it. We then had a lovely walk around the South Bank Christmas market and some mulled wine – to help my sore throat of course!
I am pleased I did it – tomorrow might be quieter! Keep fighting the depression has really been my motto this week.

I may of mentioned that I received a letter from mental health trust referring me back to the team I was in before discharge in May. The problem is they allocated me to a male care coordinator when my notes clearly state to allocate me to a female. I therefore decided to request that maybe I could be allocated to the female care worker I saw at my assessment over 2 weeks ago as their mistake meant that I could ask this. I believe that consistency is vital and I am pleased to say that my request has been agreed and so now waiting for an appointment to see her.
I think this is so positive and whilst I am always ready to point out mistakes I am also happy to praise excellent care and common sense.
I think I am going to need the appointment soon as weekend wiped me out and have some worrying symptoms back. This week will also be tough as work Christmas party week.
One hour at a time comes to mind …

Lots of people have asked me recently what I hope to achieve from being a Governor within a healthcare trust which is predominantly mental health.
I have decided to look at 3 areas in more detail during my first year:
The first is the relationship between the trust I am a Governor for and the trust at the local hospital where accident and emergency is based. The trust I am involved with also run another local hospital which has an urgent care centre but not a main accident and emergency. One of my recent blogs talks about my experiences of going to accident & emergency during a MH crisis and I think so much more can be done to work with the main hospital to improve communication and very importantly care. I am sure that not only is the accident and emergency department distressing for patients in crisis but also difficult for staff and other patients in the department. My experience shows that because neither trust had full responsibility or ownership of care it was easy for them to blame each other and therefore increase distress. I am sure that this can be looked at and I know that each trust has so many caring and excellent professionals who would be happy to work together to come up with a more therapeutic crisis arrangement.
Secondly I would like to find out about the treatment of physical health illnesses in those with a mental illness and vice versa. I am concerned that if one or the other is diagnosed first the other is overlooked when it also needs equal treatment. With the NHS trust running both mental and physical health services and this being a recent development I am excited to work with the trust in this area.
Lastly I want to explore with the trust the importance of continuity of care and the benefits of not discharging people with long term conditions only for them to have a distressing and prolonged re-entry to services.
I am excited about my new role and would welcome advice from others or any ideas about what I have mentioned in this blog. Roll on December 12th!