I know recovery from an episode is always bumpy but sometimes I do think events conspire against me. I suffer from flashbacks related to traumatic events in my past which up until 2 years ago used to dominate a depressive episode. Thankfully EMDR therapy however hard that was has meant that I rarely get flashbacks and normally these are always connected to a very clear trigger. On Saturday one such trigger occurred and I dealt with it well at the time but unfortunately on Monday this was followed by another trigger and I have had some nasty flashbacks and bad dreams.
For me talking about them often takes away some of there immediate power and today has certainly been more positive.
Definitely a bumpy recovery!

This coming Friday I am going to France to see my Dad & Step mum. My parents separated when I was 8 years old & all 3 of them are now happy – all I could ever hope for.
If someone had said to me 2 weeks ago that I was contemplating even making this trip I wouldn’t of believed them. I have though made so much progress in the last 8 days that I think it will do me good.
Friends are helping out with getting me to the airport and even though ideally I wouldn’t be going on my own I know Alan is working and I am sure I will be fine – I have done it before!
In preparation for this I have been setting myself very small manageable goals over the last few days. Yesterday’s was to go in 1 shop on my own and today I went out of work at lunchtime on my own and went to the bank, post office and to buy some clothes – my 1st purchases since my hypomanic phase!
Even though I had a small setback in the form of a trigger of past events and therefore had horrendous bad dreams and flashbacks during the last 24 hours I have continued to persevere and I am so glad I have.
Tomorrow’s task is the supermarket – only for a few bits but just small steps give me a bit of a boost.
The depression is very slowly lifting. I see glimmers of light and this is reassuring although I know from past experience that recovery is bumpy and does not take a straight path.
So onwards to France and the promise of cheese suppers and the odd glass of red!

So on Friday I receive a letter confirming that I have been referred back to the mental health team that I was discharged from in May – no surprise there!
2 things I want to highlight – firstly if I hadn’t been discharged in the first place I would have had a care coordinator who could have seen me and helped me from the moment I needed it. Instead I had no support throughout the hypomanic phase or the severe depressive phase. I saw 1 mental health professional during the whole time. Without this support I feel that it was so much harder for me to deal with and put extra unnecessary pressure on my family and friends.
Secondly the letter I was sent allocated me to a male care coordinator when it says very clearly in my notes that I must not be given an appointment with a male and that male psychiatrists will need a female to be present. I find it staggering and disappointing that after so many years I have to go through this every time – it only adds to my distress and the waiting.
So now I have a dilemma – do I take an a appointment with a female care coordinator when they correct the mistake and send me one. If I do they are likely to discharge me before I might have another episode so why delay the inevitable – have to get used to another healthcare professional etc … Or should I meet with them once, explain that the system doesn’t work for my needs, let them tell me they can only offer short term intervention and discharge myself and therefore stay in control of my care.
I really can’t make up my mind.

I can’t explain to many people how struggling with my faith is affecting me. I have tried so hard to ‘find it’ or ‘feel something’ but even sitting in church on my own yesterday and today something that helps so much normally, just felt so odd.
I often feel a connection and very safe by walking in the door of the Church but I felt like an intruder. I felt I didn’t belong and the church felt strange – this hurt me so much.
I know others must feel this loss of faith but I am struggling with this so much. Faith gives me a purpose in these dark times and I can’t remember it going like this before, for so long and with no rays of light.
Even though I am feeling less depressed and not desperate that is irrelevant when my faith is so low or really not there at all.
I hope that I can start to see that light in my heart as we talked about today very soon & shine in time for Christmas.
I want to thank the people that have helped me with my faith ( especially the chats today) – so many to name each one – hopefully I will be back soon.

At the beginning of last week as I started to feel a bit stronger I decided to write to my HR contact at work. She knows about my condition but I realised that I had never had a full conversation with her about it and I recently had a new manager who started when I was having a depressive episode and wanted her to be in the picture too.
I asked to meet them both and I was so impressed with their response. They listened and understood how bipolar is for me not just how bipolar is described on google!
I also talked with them about being a mindful employer and it was reassuring to hear that it wasn’t just a logo for them. They want to be a true mindful employer and understand what that means and that is very positive.
There is a long way to go and part of the issue is that due to recent restructures people are reluctant to disclose. I feel that the small steps so far are positive and they have my support for their future work.

On Monday afternoon I suddenly realised that I felt different. I was still depressed – the blackness and emptiness was still there but I wasn’t suicidal.
I was very wary – was my head playing yet more tricks or was I really not so desperate.
I didn’t say anything to anyone as would feel even more of a disappointment if it all wasn’t true but did go to bed with a little ray of hope and without planning how to end it all.
On Tuesday I woke slowly as I do after taking Zopiclone and was so relived when I still didn’t feel that horrible desperate feeling and utter hopelessness and despair.
I told a few people close to me and they had seen a small shift too which was really reassuring and those close to me could remind me not to do too much too soon.
As the days have gone on I have told more people that I am starting to turn the corner. I am still experiencing depression and anxiety but nothing like as deep or horrid as it was but it is so much progress.
The problem is the evenings are still tough because I get tired because I am trying too hard. Trying to make up for lost time and I think in my head that I have let people down and I am needing lots of people to keep me going along ok.
I keep experiencing very vivid thoughts especially to times last week and the week before and these are frightening me so much. When I get really tired I also get so upset because the way my illness is I am probably more than likely going to experience an episode like this again and as this time not receive the right support.
I am trying to be positive but the next 2 weeks or so are going to be bumpy!

I have really had enough of feeling like this. The depression is stopping me from doing so much – take singing for an example I really love to sing but yet when the depression is this bad I just can’t get any sound out.
I also really love my job but the depression and all that goes with it just overtakes everything and I haven’t done a full day for quite a while. I am lucky that I have a flexible manager and people reassure me that it is better for me to do some hours than be off sick. I can also do some work from home which means if I think about it logically I am probably doing at least 30 hours a week.
I just want to get back to normal but after such a deep depression this is going to take time and at the moment this hope seems pointless as nothing seems to be shifting.
I am also so frightened of being abandoned by everyone. I sometimes hide how bad I really am in case people can’t be bothered anymore. I just hope I can get back to feeling better again soon.

So after a pretty difficult week I went to bed on Thursday night absolutely exhausted. I am trying to take Zopiclone 2 out of every 3 nights which isn’t always easy to judge but on Thursday I was sufficiently tired and also had taken some diazepam later than normal so I gave it a go without.
I went to bed about 10.30 and actually was asleep by 11 ish and my husband followed shortly afterwards. About 1.15am I was woken by a terrific noise which woke me in a panic but because I am unwell and my hearing is distorted and sometimes I hear things that are not real I had no idea if this was an actual noise.
I went downstairs but didn’t put any lights on, all doors were shut so I went back to bed. I knew deep down though that something wasn’t right and I therefore couldn’t get back to sleep.
In the morning my husband went downstairs as I had told him about what I thought I heard and he discovered that the front door was badly damaged and that we had obviously been lucky that someone had not got in.
This obviously has done nothing to help my state of mind or anxiety but I can’t praise the police enough. They came to see us and were so sensitive to how unwell I was and also as reassuring as they could be.
As I sit typing this my husband and father in law are installing more security lighting and ensuring we are as secure as we can be.
Over the past few years I have worked very hard to ensure that I feel as safe as I can do in my own home and that is vital to my recovery as well as something I need to be maintained when I am well.
Hopefully this won’t knock me too far back but I am hoping the nights will start to improve a bit soon.

I don’t blog much about my faith but I probably should! I am a member and Elder of the United Reformed Church – a fairly traditional Church with sprouts of modernism through music and prayer and a passion for the local community in which we serve.
I am very involved and have a very strong faith (or so I thought). God goes everywhere with me. Praying to God is a wonderful conversation – a gift I have been given, a comfort in times of need but also in times of joy.
I have support at the Church however at the moment the minister is away and some people involved in pastoral care still have an archaic attitude towards mental health and I sadly feel quite alone at the moment. On top of this I am struggling with my faith – the old questions that I can usually battle like ‘why does God let me become ill’ and ‘where is God at the moment’
I often read the ‘Footsteps’ poem and try to reassure myself that God is carrying me through these times.
A friend today sent me a lovely email and used the parable of the mustard seed to show that it doesn’t matter how small faith is it has the opportunity to grow and I will hang onto that.
God bless all those in need x

So today I finally got my ’emergency ‘ mental health appointment. The anxiety I felt beforehand can’t really be put into words and my friend who took me had to really talk hard to me to get me to lose the ‘angry’ me that was protecting me from showing my emotion as I am trying to protect myself so much.
This took a huge effort but with help from those that know me I did it and saw a wonderful professional who was an absolute ray of sunshine in a very dark place. She listened, didn’t judge, let me talk, made me comfortable enough to speak without holding back – I am so grateful for this.
However this was a one off ray of sunshine – like a carrot dangled before me. Unfortunately unless I go to accident and emergency and get assessed by team connected to there and therefore go into hospital the next best thing and what is being offered to me is to be referred to the Short term intervention team. This has happened which would be at least a start however wait is 4 weeks before I get to see anyone else and only have inconsistent/anxiety provoking phone support in the meantime.
Today helped so much however effects of not having the continued support I need has set me back in a way. It also doesn’t make sense to be admitted to a short term team when I have a long term condition.